It's My TV….It's My Peanut Butter

Would we drink coffee with Jon Stewart?

Kristy: I’m really kind of shocked this one hasn’t come up before. I actually did a search before writing this, because although I couldn’t remember doing one, it seemed we must have. But if we have, I can’t find it.

The short answer is: Hell yes. How could I not? He’s that William and Mary alumni that gave all the rest of us hope that we might actually be cool some day. And not cool in the frat boy, business major kind of way, because those of us who weren’t that already had no desire to be. Cool in that smart, funny, people listen to me and love me kind of way. There are a lot of things I love about Mr. Stewart. He brings the funny and knows how to use humor to call attention to things that need it and to elevate the conversation. I love that he doesn’t seem to take himself too seriously. These things would be enough to make me buy him a cup of coffee. But I’d also sit down with him for a cup because there are things I’d love to ask him: What’s the truth behind his time at W&M? He’s alluded several times to not being happy during that time, was it the general pressure cooker that is W&M or was there something else? None of my business, but that doesn’t matter at the Spacial Anomaly Coffee Bar and Refueling station. I’d love random gossip about what the people he’s worked with over the years are really like. I’d love to know his actual opinions on current events. And just in case he ever misses the ‘Burg, I’d bring him ginger cakes and maybe even a Cheese Shop sandwich.

Cammy:  Oh, hell yeah!  As Kristy said, how could I not?  We owe him coffee for giving us hope.  And it would be interesting to find out how he feels about being the bench mark for W&M students to aspire to (move over, TJ).  I’d like to get his stories of the most surprisingly funny interview-ees.  He’s nerd enough that he’s interviewed a lot more than just entertainment personalities, so which of those writers, politicians, historians, etc. really caught him off-guard with their ability to banter back?   I also need to apologize for hating his guts for the first 6 months he was doing The Daily Show (I was a fan back in the Craig Kilborn days and was pissed when Kilborn left.  I took it out on the new guy.  Until I realized the new guy was way funnier).

Would we drink coffee with Charles Dickens?

Cammy:  A co-worker was praising Dickens the other day which led me to put him under consideration for coffee.  I’m going with a tentative yes.  I’m not sure what to make of his mistress on the side, and I just have a sneaking suspicion, I wouldn’t be a great fan of his personality.  But, what better way to find out than coffee?  Worst case scenario, I get up and walk away.  Best case, I get the 4-1-1 on the personal life.  I’d also relish the chance to talk about writing soap operas.  Because, let’s face it, those serialized novels he’s known for?  Totally soap operas.  I’d like to see just how much plot he established in his head early on, and how much he left to the moment.  How does he feel about the serialized format for stories–was he just doing it because of the media style of the times, or would he talk some real value for it.  And, he and I could talk copyright, too.  Dickens actually lectured in the US, pushing for copyright laws since, at the time, US Copyright offered no real protection for foreign works (in stark contrast to the utter fuck-up we just got handed by the 9 in the Golan case).  In his case, there was definite need for more stringent copyright, but I have to wonder how he’d feel about the creeping reach of copyright today in terms of duration, over-extension, etc.  I doubt he and I will see completely eye to eye, but it could be a spirited discussion.

Kristy: You know, I think I’m gonna decline. I just feel like I’m going to have a hard time drinking coffee with the man and not saying something which will cause the conversation to take an unpleasant and unproductive turn. It’s hard to read anything the man wrote and not come away thinking he had a screwed up view of women. Based on my limited Dickens reading it seems like his women are either psychologically fucked up or victims or both. And then there’s the whole racism thing… from him constantly reminding you that Fagan, the criminal mastermind, is a Jew to his discussion of the Eskimos the man just keeps irritating me. And yes, I know he’s a product of his time and I’ve probably already had coffee with other racists and sexists. But with him I know about it. And I’m just worried I’ll say thin wrong thing and Cammy won’t get her copyright talk.

Would we drink coffee with Maggie Smith?

Kristy: My first instinct was, “Holy crap, of course!” But then I thought about it and I’m not sure. I mean, I love this woman’s work. In everything I’ve ever seen her in she has this magical way of standing out without making the whole thing all about her. She steals scenes while still being a giving actress and that’s a rare talent. And yes, she keeps getting cast as the same character over and over again, I don’t care. She does it better than anyone else. And I love that even though she sometimes plays a raging bitch, she often plays strong characters. So on the one hand, I would totally buy her coffee. On the other hand, I’d be a little intimidated to sit down with her. Also, I have a hard time picturing her drinking coffee–if she drinks a hot beverage it’s hard to imagine it being anything other than tea. But if she does drink coffee, I suppose I’ll screw my courage up because I don’t think I could live with knowing I’d turned down such an opportunity.

Cammy:  For bringing life to a long list of awesome characters, I feel I owe her whatever the hell beverage she wants.  I mean, she is the screen embodiment of Professor McGonagall!  And need we even discuss the awesomeness of Lady Violet?  But, like Kristy, the intimidation factor is up there, not the least because most of what I know of her is the characters–and that’s not who we’re drinking with.  Being the more chicken-shit of the two of us, I’ll let Kristy be the brave one who actually sits down.  Me?  I’ll just help make sure they’re at the best table in the house and that the tab is open for whatever beverages are required.

Would we have coffee with…Erma Bombeck?

Cammy:  A resounding YES.  Bombeck was held out as the benchmark for humorous newspaper writing by my journalism teacher (who didn’t generally encourage us to write humor in her class, but had no problem with us reading and appreciating it).  Reading her column was the first time I really realized that people wrote funny shit for adults, too.  Before there were “Mommy Bloggers” venting about the housewife life, there was Bombeck.  Not only did she write about the absurdities of suburban moms and their families, she wrote it in a way that anyone could snarf their Dr. Pepper over.  It’s been more than 10 years since I first read one of her books (When You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It’s Time To Go Home), but I still recall clutching at my sides laughing.  For that alone, I owe her a thank you cup of joe. I’d like her take on the Mom blog phenomenon mentioned above–I have to imagine she’d have something humorous to say about that one.  I think it would be interesting to get her take on women and humor in general (more than once I’ve heard that women can’t be as funny as men–something that women like Bombeck render totall untrue).  And if nothing else, I once read she was twice as funny in person as she was on paper, so as long as I’m careful when I take a sip, this should be a riot.

Kristy: Sure. I’ll shamefully confess that although I’d heard her name for years, I didn’t really know who she was until tonight. But you know I like people that bring the funny, and a quick google search for quotes reveals that this woman could indeed bring the funny. So while I lack Cammy’s passion for journalism, I share her passion for spending time with smart funny people. Like Cammy, I’d also like to hear her thoughts on the “Mommy Blogger” phenomenon. I’d also like to ask her about her forays into television, even though they were largely unsuccessful. Perhaps even more to the point, I’d be interested to know what she thinks about the dearth of female writers in television, particularly on comedy shows. Is this just social prejudice or something else? Does she think there’s any thing that can be done to help? I will also be careful when I sip my coffee.

Would we drink coffee with Johann Gottfried Herder?

Kristy: Well… I spent the morning reading about him for the umpteenth time and historiography really isn’t my thing, so off hand I kind of want to say no. But on the other hand, my academic discipline owes him a huge debt, which means that I owe him a huge debt. Many of his assumptions about the Volk were hugely problematic, but you have to recognize what a huge deal it was at that time for someone to actually see value in their artistic expressions. And I’m particularly interested and impressed by some of his ideas about vernacular languages. Also, it’s hard not to be amused by a guy who was so entranced by reading Ossian that he didn’t notice when the ship he was on nearly sank. (I realize this story is likely apocryphal, rest assured I will ask about it.) So yes, I will share a cup of coffee with the man. I’d be interested to hear how he feels about the present state of ethnology and folklore. I’d like to know how he feels about his legacy–his ideas have led to great things and horrific things. Was it all worth it?

Cammy: Dude, he’s absorbed in all things German which means I would definitely love a chance to pick his brain. It seems like he was trying to boost German self esteem even before they had their current national self esteem problem brought on by the Holocaust. Rather ironic given that his original attempts to bolster some pride in the German language, history and culture was later perverted to justify and support the shit Germany pulled in WWII. Like Kristy, I’d like to have him talk about that one. And, he had a hand in influencing Goethe, which means I owe him coffee since Goethe is to German literature as Shakespeare is to English literature. As far as discussion of Volk, I’m pretty sure I’ll leave that anthropological-folklore-historiography-other-big-academic-words lifting top Kristy, but even then I’m sure I can take something away from listening in.

Would we have coffee with… Laura Ingalls Wilder?

Would we drink coffee with Sandra Cisneros?

Kristy:  Sure.  I kind of feel like I owe her at least a cup since Cammy and I met the third Reina Protestante, Mary, in a class where one of our big assignments was reading The House on Mango Street.  I also wrote one of my first grad school papers on “Woman Hollering Creek.”  I enjoy her writing because she’s one of too few (IMO) contemporary writers who write stories you can enjoy as casual reading that also have a rich deeper layer waiting to be explored if you so wish.  That balancing act isn’t easy and I think she does it well.  She’s also spent a lot of her life teaching and I’m curious to know whether that was a deliberate choice or just something to pay the bills.  Regardless, I’m interested in her views on education and a whole host of other issues.

Cammy:  Sure thing.  Anyone who chooses to live in San Antonio, Texas already stands a fairly good chance of being worth talking to.  And, as Kristy said, we totally met Mary in a class where we had to read The House On Mango Street.  Only it was La Casa en Mango Street for that class, and it was the first full book I ever read in Spanish (prior to that, the longest thing I’d read was a play).  For my part, I’d love to talk to her about her life going back and forth from Chicago to Mexico.  Nothing like a nomadic back-and-forth-between-worlds life to give a writer fodder for life.  I’m not sure I’d be able to hold up my end of the conversation as well as Kristy, but I’d be delighted to share a cup of coffee and listen in.

Would we have coffee with…Elizabeth Carter?

Would we drink coffee with Simon Bolivar?

Kristy:  Sure.  I have a weakness for revolutionaries.  And as revolutionaries go, Simon was kind of an overachiever.  Most freedom fighters are contented with liberating one country, but no, this man had to liberate the greater part of a continent.  On the other hand, he proved largely ineffective at governing.  Perhaps meeting him face to face would shed some light on that?  I’d be interested to hear what he thinks of later political developments in Latin America and maybe even elsewhere.  Mostly I’d just like to meet him to put a fleshed out face with the name.  You can’t study Latin America without coming across the name again and again, and I’d like to know what the real man was like.  Also… you know… they say he was skilled at liberating countries from the Spanish and women from their corsets.

Cammy:  Well, given that Kristy and I once conjured up a mythical Trek franchise focused on the Federation Starship Bolivar (the top Starfleet Academy grads wind up on the Enterprise.  Where do the slackers at the bottom go?  The Bolivar.  What we lack in accomplishment, we make up for in wacky hijinks, Foosball excellence and managing to accidentally save the Universe), I feel I ought to at least meet the man who originated the name. Beyond that, I know he admired my boy Thomas Jefferson, but clearly he didn’t subscribe slavishly to the TJ view of the world, otherwise I don’t think he would have gone in for that whole life-long presidency thing in Bolivia.  He also apparently didn’t think the political environment in South America would sustain a US style democracy, which is fodder for some serious debate and conversation right there (during which I think Kristy would be more adept than I).  But the real reason I want to meet him?  To check and see if he’s anything like he appears in this Hark! A Vagrant comic strip*.

*If you are not reading Hark!  A Vagrant by Kate Beaton, you are missing out big time.  Speaking of people we ought to have coffee with….

Would we have coffee with Madeleine L’Engle?