A Few of My Favorite Things

On Friday a show I have watched on and off for two-thirds of my life will air its final episode.  I’m still having a hard time wrapping my brain around it.  I’m trying hard not to spoil my enjoyment of the last couple weeks by focusing on how it’s being replaced by a reality show designed to profit from women’s low self-esteems.  I’m trying not to think about the fact that it will almost certainly end in a cliff hanger because it was supposed to migrate to the internet until that all got fucked up.

Instead I’m focusing on why I’ve loved the show so much.  And since there’s no one here to commiserate with me in person, you gentle readers, shall have to listen to it.  Here, in no particular order are some of my favorite things OLTL has given me/us over the years:

  • Sassy black Mel. Okay, when I explain this one to you, you’re going to think, “That’s insane! Why is this on a list of good things.” You’ll just have to trust me, it was. It shouldn’t have been. It shouldn’t have worked, but bizarrely, it did. Back story: Sometime in the mid to late 90s Dorian, the grande diva of the show, was married to a man named Mel Hayes.  A wise cracking alcoholic he was a better match for Dorian than perhaps any of her other mates (she’s had a lot, it’s a soap opera). Well he died (maybe. I think it was one of those “we never found the body” soap deaths which can always be undone, except, of course, the show ends in five days). For the show’s 40th anniversary they decided to bring him back as Dorian’s conscience; he convinced her that even she wasn’t evil enough to let her arch-frenemy Viki die. Evidently the plot device worked so well, TPTB decided to continue it. Only the actor was unavailable or too expensive or something, so they did the only logical thing: Have late middle-aged, Irish American male Mel Hayes played by a sassy young black woman. And strangely enough it worked. It was awesome. (Until they ruined it, but we’re being positive here).
  • Shirtless David Fumero.  Yes, yes, it’s exploitative to have a man on the show just so he can take off his shirt regularly.  Deliciously exploitative.
  • For that matter, Detective Price in the sauna. I will maintain till the end that if they had started inserting one scene of Max Tapper shirtless each week, we probably could have saved the show.
  • Bo and Nora’s first wedding. Performed by Little Richard.
  • Bo and Nora’s second wedding.  Which included tomato juice baths, hair dying accidents and a touch of happily ever after.
  • Dorian’s clothes. When I am… more mature I’m going to turn Dorian Cramer Lord into my fashion icon.
  • Asa’s funeral. No, not the real one, though it was also awesome. I’m talking about when Asa faked his death in 2001 and all his ex-wives showed up to his funeral.  It also was full of heart and inside jokes. Blair saying she was a completely different person when she married Asa (it’s funny because she was: At the time she married Asa, Blair was Asian, by the time this funeral took place she was a blonde with a southern accent.) And Natalie barging in in a red dress declaring herself to be Asa’s real granddaughter.  That is also good soap.
  • A ret-conned history in which Bo Buchanan and Snoop Dog are friends from way back. Because it makes me happy.
  • The line “I was shooting blanks, just like Kevin Buchanan.”
  • The Killing Club Killer storyline.  The execution (poor word choice) wasn’t the greatest, but you have to love any time you have a serial killer story line where the villain turns out to be an evil literary agent. As if that wasn’t enough it gave us the beautifully soaptastic “I thought it was you!” scene between John and Natalie (after he thought she’d had her head shoved in a deep fat fryer. Seriously.) And it provided for the elimination of a bunch of obnoxious undergrads—which is sometimes a fantasy of mine. (That’s a joke, Big Brother)
  • Roxy’s Fraternity Row fantasy sequence.  I know at least one of you happened to see this, but those of you who didn’t, if you ever watched the show at all, you must find this on YouTube, because it was that awesome.  Full of inside jokes, but still generally funny enough you didn’t have to get them all.  And it took me from literally laughing out loud to kicking me hard in the shins and making me cry in the final moments. That’s good soap.

I could sit here all night and the list would keep growing.  But I have to teach in the morning.  If any of you have favorite moments, feel free to share in the comments.

Raising Wash

We all know the stock figure of the crazy cat lady.  But there’s another cliché among the no-longer-so-young and single set—the 30ish single gal that uses a pet as a substitute for a child.  I am that cliché.

Well, sort of.  My kitty is no substitute for child on account of I like kitties and I don’t like children. But there are an awful lot of ways in which living with Wash is like living with a baby.  Here are a few of them:

1.  I talk about him more than anyone wants to hear.  You know how new parents go on and on about their baby to the annoyance of all around them?  That was me.  I’ve kind of got control of it, but the rep holds and it’s not undeserved.

2.  He wakes me up at all hours of the night.

3.  He cries a lot.

4.  When he gets tired he wants me to hold him nonstop and I wind up learning to do a lot of things one handed.

5.  Sometimes he’s really tired but doesn’t want to go to sleep for fear of missing something, so I wind up tricking him into going to sleep.

6.  He leaves his toys all over the floor.

7.  I spend my afternoons hoping for him to take a nap so that I can do the things I can’t do when he’s awake (cooking, cleaning, etc.)

8.  His food and medical expenses are a definite drain on my finances.

9.  Oh crap.  I’ve become the pet owning equivalent of a Mommy blogger!

Kristy Goes to the Golden Globes (via the magic of television)

Yes, this is three days late.  What?  You expect punctuality from us?

There are enough sites out there doing step-by-step run-downs of the show, the fashion, etc.  So instead we’re (and by “we” I mean “I” because apparently Cammy was an invalid and did not watch) just hitting highs and lows.  Things we would like more or less of at future awards shows.

Things we want less of:

Sound inconsistencies.  Get it together NBC.

Women in split-front dresses that they hold way too high as they walk on stage.  I was concerned I was going to see some of these ladies’ hoohahs.  And I don’t need that kind of anxiety.

Raiding the StarTrek:  The Original Series costume closet.  Anne Hathaway, Jane Fonda, I’m looking at you.

Nude colored dresses.  Seriously, they look good on just about no one.  I was set to ban them all together, but Scarlett Johansen pulled hers off well enough I’m willing to let others have a go at it, but I’m putting the color on notice.

Frankly, the whole monochromatic look altogether needs to be reconsidered by most who attempted it.  Naya Rivera from Glee was the only one I think totally pulled it off.  I’m going to have to ask that blonds realize it just will not work on them.

Nude lipstick.  I just think it makes most people look ill.  If you want subtle go with a neutral brown, plum or pale pink.

Heavy bangs.  Some things were best left in the 80s.  Yes, Sandra Bullock, I’m talking to you.

Visible nipples.  I know some people think they’re sexy, but I don’t.  Band-aids ladies.

Things we want more of:

Acceptance speeches that bring the funny:  “Holy f’in crap!”

Red ties.  Well played Robert Downey, Jr.

Helena Bonham Carter being her crazy assed self.  Because that was just so much fun.  Tilda Swinton please note:  this is how one does eccentric.

Color.  I liked the influx of forest green dresses this year, and this is coming from someone who doesn’t like green (But let’s keep it to teal and forest, no olive.  Please.)  While we’re at it let’s do better things with the color red.  And what about some blue?

Women with curves.  After seeing so many women who clearly hadn’t eaten in weeks we get the luscious Sofia Vergara.  And which look is sexier?  Seriously.

The saloon girl look.  I love it.  Christina Aguilera and some chick I’ve never heard of did it very well.

Grown up women winning awards.  There were quite a few this year and I enjoyed that.

Helen Mirren.  Don’t we all need more Helen Mirren in our lives?

Tired of Waiting on the Future

Top 5 Things We Should Have Since It’s The Future:

5) Food pellets.  Because, while I know some of you are totally into your food, I’m not always that way.  If I had a totally filling yet completely neutral method of getting my nutrients, I’d probably be all in for that time saver.

4)  The instant sober, no hangover pill:  This would be a drug company ad I could go in for.  I just hope it doesn’t come with the nausea, indigestion, stomach upset, headache–after all, that’s what we’re aiming to avoid.

3)  Flying cars.  Just.  Because.

2) The Transporter beam.  Now, I know that would seem to make the whole flying car thing moot, but really, flying cars are just fun so can that argument.  For long-haul, quick delivery travel, we want transporters.  Think about how much less we’d all hate the TSA if they queued us up to walk into a little scanny thing only instead of getting virtually strip-searched, we were zipped off to Grandma’s in less than 2 seconds instead of going off to sit in crappy waiting room chairs and being forced to purchase food items at a criminal mark-up.

1)  The automatic sock handler.  I HATE dealing with socks in the laundry.  I hate trying to find them all to put them into the washer.  I hate trying to match them up, I hate actually putting them together.  Loathe it.  Despise it.  Always have.  It’s tedious, and you have the perpetual odd-sock issue.  Since my youth I have dreamed of a machine that would collect, wash, match and fold all the socks at the touch of a button.  WHERE IS THIS I ASK YOU?!?!?  Did we really need 3 different gaming system platforms?  I think at least ONE of those companies could have put a little effort into making my life easier.  I can make a little avatar of myself jump all over a damned TV screen, but in order to do it, I have to find time to get all the sock laundry done.

The future is here.  I’m tired of waiting.  Give me my technology, damnit!

Five Things that Drive me Nuts is Soap Operas, and Why They Actually Make Sense

A little bit of background to this post:  Although I’m sure it’s more than obvious by now that I have a semi-sad soap opera fixation.  What might be slightly less obvious is that I’m also a bit of a comics geek.  It might be more correct to say I was a comics geek since I haven’t read any in years due to a lack of time, lack of money, and my connection now living in another state (*waves to Russell*).  Back when I was reading comics (they probably still do this, but I don’t know for certain) at least one (possibly both, my memories are shaky) of the major comics companies used to give out prizes to readers who wrote in pointing out errors in their books.  The twist was that in order to qualify the reader had to explain why the “error” wasn’t really an error at all.

One doesn’t have to look very hard to find continuity errors in soap operas.  To be fair, I think we should be generous with them considering they have a hell of a lot more work to do than the average television writing team.  But there are a few… not so much errors, but implausibilities, that seem to happen over and over again.  Initially I was just going to list those, but I thought there wouldn’t be much skill involved in that.  Instead, I’m going to list them, and posit an explanation.

Implausibility 1:

Everyone has everyone else’s phone numbers programmed into their cell phones.  People who have never spoken to each other on screen somehow magically have each others’ numbers on speed dial.  I remember the first time Cristian came back from the dead on One Life to Live, a day later he had a cell phone with everyone’s number.  (At which point my crazy ex-roommate exclaimed, “How come he’s been be back from the dead a day and he has a cell phone, but I don’t?”)

Explanation: There’s an ap for that.  You remember getting those emails about how they were about to start putting cell phone numbers in the phonebook/selling them to telemarketers?  Well some enterprising young geek realized this was a potential goldmine.  My money’s on Georgie Jones from General Hospital; I like this explanation because it absolves me of the guilt I feel for occasionally getting sucked into that show (I broke up with General Hospital when they killed Georgie).  I’m guessing she realized that Port Charles was no place for a smart, independent female and that if she stuck around she’d eventually be required to sleep with Sonny Corinthos.  So she moved to central Mexico and started a service which allows residents to download a directory of every cell phone number in town (just like crime solving technology is more advanced in the Bones universe, cell phones are more advanced in the soapverse).

Implausibility 2:

Everyone always shows up to eat at the same restaurant on the same day causing awkward meet ups and and angst filled glances.

Explanation: Well this is explained by simple supply/demand/labor principles.  Most soap towns have a maximum of three restaurants (usually one humble diner type, one middle of the road, classic American fare place, and one schwanky establishment).  Soap towns also seem to be burdened by a minimal supply of labor.  This means that if the employees from one restaurant are eating at another, the restaurant which employs them is forced to shut down.  This means that there’s even less selection.  So eventually everyone winds up at the same place.

Implausibility 3:

Sprained ankles are an insurmountable, nigh life threatening injury.  Okay, seriously, if I see one more action oriented storyline in which a female character is completely incapacitated by a sprained ankle, I’m gonna scream (and if I were a betting woman, I’d bet this means you’ll all hear me screaming sometime this month—it is sweeps after all).  Don’t get me wrong, I know that sprained ankles can be painful.  I’ve experienced more than one.  But Chellsie Memmel competed in the freaking Olympics with a broken ankle.  Kim Zmeskal did the same with a stress fracture in her ankle.  I realize that gymnasts are tougher than the average woman, but you have to consider that adrenalin should kind of numb it out.  I’m fairly certain that if I were being shot at or my life was otherwise in peril, I could muscle through the pain of a sprained ankle long enough to run for my freaking life.  And this from a girl with no self-preservation instinct.  And this doesn’t just happen to with wilting female flower characters.  I’ve seen this device used repeatedly with characters like GH’s Sam McCall and One Life to Live’s Natalie Buchanan—both of whom are generally pretty feisty.  So what’s with the twisted ankle being an Achilles heel?

Explanation: Adrenalin tolerance.  We must consider that no matter how touch she is, the average soap heroine has her life imperiled on average at least twice year.  Add that to the occasions in which they’re only in danger of grievous bodily injury and the times their merely in danger of arrest, and you have to figure these ladies have adrenaline pumping through their systems a good portion of the time.  Eventually, as with any drug, they stop feeling the effects.  Whereas for most of us, we wouldn’t even feel the injury until we were safe, they feel everything.  And don’t get that extra adrenaline boost of energy either.  It really is quite tragic.  Perhaps Georgie can next work on developing a twelve step program to overcome adrenaline overuse?

Implausibility 4:

Every time someone has a secret that could potentially destroy lives, end lives, etc, they whisper not so quietly about it in public places at every opportunity.

Explanation: Hearing loss.  If you’re above the age of… I’m gonna say three weeks, and you live in a soap town, chances are you’ve been in some proximity to at least one explosion, gunshot,  third rate singer… which means you have at least some degree of hearing loss.  This means two things:  It’s a safe assumption most of your fellow citizens can’t hear what you’re saying and you have no clue you’re even speaking out loud.

Implausibility 5:

No one is ever dead.  Ever.  I mean, it used to only be “If there’s no body, he’s not really dead.”  Now even bodies get planted, faked, etc.  You have to figure by now funerals in soap towns are awkward occasions in which everyone sits there making whispered bets as to how long before the deceased returns.

Explanation: Death is pissed at the soap gods (I’m guessing Death was a Tad and Dixie fan).  And it won’t take anyone else into the afterlife until said gods apologize.  They know what they’ve done.

BSG Ink

Okay, so we’ve seen a fair amount of ink on our intrepid cast of characters.  And some piercings here and there.  But what haven’t we seen?

Secret tattoos and piercings:

Adama: Big ass bird of prey on his shoulder or manly chest

Roslin: Has a four leaf clover on her ankle.  We are not ready to rule out the possibility of a tramp stamp from her younger days.

Billy: He had a cartilage piercing in high school and college, but took it out when he started interviewing for jobs.

Gaius: Downtown piercing.  Something tribal on the back of his neck.

Six: Definite tramp stamp.

Doc Cottle: Donald Duck somewhere and a pin up on his arm.

Dee: Got a dolphin tattooed on her ankle so Lee would think she was interesting.

Apollo: Probably has something tribal on his arm.

Starbuck: Honestly not sure she has anything we haven’t seen, but we won’t rule out a downtown piercing.

Tyrol: Had Sharon’s initials tattooed on his shoulder then tried to have it altered, but it wasn’t super successful.

Cally: Nothing

Helo: Nothing.  He’s au naturale.

Sharon: Navel ring.

Gaeta: Had nipple rings in his crazy college days.

Tigh: Colonial insignia on his arm.

Ellen: Foreign characters down the back of her neck, but has no clue what they mean.

Tori: Butterfly tramp stamp.

Anders: Pyramid themed tats.  Cartilage piercing.

Leoben: Pierced tongue.  Which he’s thought of very interesting uses for.

Zarek: Has a family crest or something pretentious like that.

Belated BSG List

Yeah, yeah, I’m late again.  Internet connection was out when I got home last night and I decided not to try to wait it out again.

What kind of house guest are they?

Adama: Not as careful as he should be with towels (he’s been a bachelor too long), but he’s very polite.  He doesn’t overstay his welcome and he helps with the dishes.

Roslin:  An absolutely lovely guest.  Brings the perfect hostess gift.  Does not overstay her welcome, makes her bed, folds towels, helpful, thoughtful, not pushy.  Offers to help with the dishes.  If she stays long enough she’ll definitely prepare at least one meal.

Billy: Brings the wrong hostess gift.  Does dishes, but breaks a small plate.  Tries so hard, but just a little bit off.

Gaius: Does not show up when he says he will.  Very charming and entertaining, but not helpful and kind of a douche.

Six: Barely noticed.  Almost a nonentity.  Not above banging for roof.

Doc Cottle: Is a slob and kind of smells.  No presents.  Not helpful.  Doesn’t stay long and is disruptive while he’s there.

Dee: Lovely.  Makes coffee in the morning.  Polite, sweet, helpful, takes the kids to the park.

Apollo: He’s a good, solid, middle of the road guest.  Would attempt to cook, but he’s not as awesome as he wants to be.  Would send a belated thank you.

Starbuck: You really don’t want her to come.  She’s unpredictable.  Doesn’t plan.  Calls from the airport and might bring an inappropriate guy with her.  On the other hand, if you go out while she’s there, she’ll totally treat you.  Months later she’ll send a gift, a nice one, with no explanation.  All this is different if she’s staying with Dad–then she’s on her best behavior.

Tyrol: Would start fixing stuff.  Everywhere.  Without being asked.  Not otherwise helpful.

Cally: Will bring a hand made gift and card.  Almost too helpful–takes things a bit too far.

Helo: Brings jerky.  Good with kids–he’s the cool uncle.  Not helpful.  Brings the dog.

Sharon: Kind of standoffish.  Quite.  Always seems uncomfortable.  Can’t engage with people.  Sends a form letter thank you.

Gaeta: Would redecorate without asking.  But he’s good at it.  He’s a good guest for the most part.

Tigh: Won’t bring a gift.  You don’t want him there if he’s with Ellen because they’ll have drunk money sex in your living room.

Ellen: Brings an ostentatious hostess gift and makes passive aggressive comments about how “humble” and “quaint” your home is.

Tori: She’s uncomfortable and you won’t see a lot of her anyway because she’ll be working the whole time.  She’s polite, but not engaging.  Will send a thank you.

Anders: He’s pleasant and fun, but he’s useless except for washing dishes and he leaves wet towels on the floor.  He would warn you of his arrival, but he might overstay by accident.

Leoben: Stays one night.  Cooks for you using exotic spices.  Leaves before you wake, leaving behind a polite note and a fresh pot of coffee.

Zarek: Tells you everything you’re doing wrong.  He’s a know-it-all and he’s pushy, but he smells good and will always make his bed.

Who likes it spicy?

Who aboard the Battlestar Galactica can handle their capsicum?  Do they like spicy food?

Adama: Hell yeah!  Pass the habanero.

Roslin: She can do it, but it’s not her favorite thing.  She doesn’t really make a habit of it.

Billy: Not so much.  He has a very sensitive GI.  Mild salsa is about the best he can do.

Gaius: Has a high tolerance but uses it in “interesting” ways.

Six: Yes.  But she’s not out to prove anything.

Doc Cottle: Yes, but he doesn’t like anything fancy–tabasco is his standby.  He does have the disturbing habit of putting pickled jalapenos in his oatmeal.

Dee: She can handle a decent amount of spice, but she’s not much of a fan of it.

Apollo: Oh dear, no!  He’s a delicate flower.  Poor thing has endured many painful dinners being mocked by his dad and Kara.

Starbuck: Are you kidding?  She snorts wasabi, uses habanero as a hangover cure, and hangs out with Papa ‘dama.

Tyrol: He didn’t used to like spicy food, but recently he’s started using it as a form of masochism.

Cally: She likes jalapeno poppers, but that’s about it.

Helo: He uses chilis in curing his meat, but he’s not in Dad or Starbuck territory.  He does have a decently high tolerance.

Sharon: Yes.  Like Tyrol she uses spice as self-flagellation.

Gaeta: He tries, but it upsets his tummy.

Tigh: Yeah, he sometimes mixes it in with his booze.  He can’t handle the same amount Adama does.  He once lost a chile eating contest to Starbuck and doesn’t like to talk about it.

Ellen: She has no real spice tolerance, but she’ll eat gourmet food if it’s spicy..

Tori: Generally spicy food aggravates her ulcer, but she’s been experimenting with Gaius.

Anders: No.  He tries to keep up with Starbuck and fails.

Leoben: He can handle it, but he’s a bit of a gourmet and prefers things subtle.

Zarek: He can handle basic spicy, but nothing outlandish.

BSG goes DC

Okay, this list requires a slight bit of explanation.  Back when Mary and I were creating these lists we both lived in the greater Washington DC Metro area.  One night over a couple of Daddy’s Little Girls (coffee infused Patron, run through a shaker with ice) we started pondering what the characters would be doing if they were in our area.  Kind of like a reverse Mary Sue.  This is what we came up with:

What would the inhabitants of the Battlestar Galactica do/where would they live if they lived int he DC Metro area?

Adama: Retired military working for a defense contractor, Lives in South Arlington on the Columbia Pike Corridor (Thai and Salvadoran food to satisfy his spicy food cravings)

Roslin: A Prof at NOVA where she teaches English and Speech, lives in Del Ray, Frequents Eastern Market

Billy: Lives at Balston but hangs out in bars at Clarendon and Courthouse.  He’s that guy in the suit you know he couldn’t really afford handing out his business card (a present from his mom) in bars

Gaius: Lives in a townhouse in DuPont; is a Prof at Georgetown, donates generously to a charter school

Six: lives in a modern condo in Pen Quarter; seems to be independently wealthy of live on family money, no one is quite sure what she does, but she’s very smart

Doc Cottle: Lives in Prince George’s County, MD in a formerly nice apartment building; works in public health, a county clinic or something, probably makes house calls; he’s a crochety old man, but he finds ways to help people, but all of his ways may not be legal

Dee: Lives in a small place in Columbia Heights (a less trendy place on the fringes), works for a  non-profit, not super social, but she goes out with her coworkers from time to time

Apollo: He’s the guy Billy wants to be.  They frequent the same bars, but Lee’s much better at the whole networking, smooth talking things.  JAG.  He’s a graduate of the Air Force Academy who lives on Capital Hill, but hangs out in Courthouse and Clarendon.  Involved in a few social causes he feels strongly about, very green, has a ZipCar membership, but kinda wants a SmartCar (though he knows Kara will mock it).  Sees a therapist weekly to discuss his daddy issues.

Starbuck: Lives in Southeast but isn’t worried because she carries a weapon and is confident she can take anyone who bothers her.  Papa Adama and Lee are always trying to get her to move.  Works as a security consultant.

Tyrol: Works at a contractor out at Reston and lives in Reston as well  Loves the whole suburban lifestyle.  Lives in a cookie cutter McMansion and feeds the houseplants on a very regulated schedule

Cally: Lives in a house with a bunch of other girls near Ballston; she has a basement room.  Works as an auditor and spends her days shuffling between sites.

Helo: Secret Service.  Lives in Virginia Square but is looking to buy a house (needs a yard for the dog)

Sharon: Lives in BFE Fairfax (probably near Bunnyman Bridge).  Likes to be alone.  Military, only there short term.

Gaeta: Lives in Tacoma Park (over the sketch sushi place) and works for some kind of Government contractor doing computer stuff.  He can’t really talk about it.

Tigh: Works with Papadama who helped him get the contractor job.  Lives in a run down house in Annandale.  Doesn’t like yard work except this one tree he really digs.  Has something of a rivalry with his neighbors the Gonzaleses

Ellen: Lives with Tigh, but is unhappy with the house.  She’s that lady in the SUV getting a $300 hair cut out at Tyson’s somewhere who wears nothing but designer clothes her husband can’t afford.

Tori: Just moved into the district from Silver Spring.  Possibly lives in the Chinatown area in a small apartment.  Works for the senator of a small state.

Anders: Lives in Pentagon Row and plays for DC United.

Leoben: Lives in a condo in Capital Hill.  Works as a therapist and stalks Starbuck on his spare time.

Zarek: On the DC Board and wants to run for mayor.  Thought about being the Rep to Congress, but he’s scared of Eleanor Holmes Norton.

Most Likely to Fly a Battlestar

Lets imagine that certain high school traditions with which we’re familiar exist in similar forms on the twelve colonies.  Like high school superlatives.  What high school superlatives would various Battlestar Galactica characters have likely earned?

Adama: Most likely to kick ass and take names.  (or inspired by that mustache) Most likely to shoot up Columbus, NM.

Roslin: Most likely to lead the way.

Billy: Most likely to succeed.

Gaius: Our favorite lockerbait.

Six: Most likely to violate the dress code.

Doc Cottle: Driest wit.

Dee: Most likely to break hearts.  Probably for some pretty boy with daddy issues who doesn’t even have a debate team ring!  … Sorry… we digress…

Apollo: Best dressed

Starbuck: Best shot (at pyramid, of course)

Tyrol: Most likely to invent a super powered doomsday device.

Cally: Most likely to become an 80’s pop icon.

Helo: The one we’d most like to be stranded on a devastated planet with.

Sharon: Most likely to be more than meets the eye.

Gaeta: Was actually voted Most likely to sing “Tainted Love” backwards during a joint session of the legislature, but blackmailed his way into Most eligible bachelor.

Tigh: Most likely to become a spokesmodel for Rogaine.

Ellen: Most likely to drive a man to drink.

Tori: Most likely to bang a cult leader, crack under pressure

Anders: Biggest jock

Leoben: Most likely to be a stalker.  Or a hitman.

Zarek: Zarek did not participate in any sort of superlative nonsense as superlatives are merely a tool to reinforce the classist, patriarchal system… blah… blah… blah…