One of the worst parts of being a teacher is that you can’t often say what you really want to. Telling students what you really think of them is quick and easy way to get fired. And I’m a good girl. I always respond to them politely and sympathetically. But here are a few samples of replies I’d like to make to them:
To a student who once argued with me for fifteen minutes about her grade on a paper with her only argument being, “But I always get As!”
My internal reply? “Not this time!”
To the student who asked if I knew any psychics, saying, “But I thought since you were a folklorist, you’d probably know some here in town.”
My internal reply? “Yes, you’re right. Once you become a folklorist they automatically give you the numbers to all the freaky people in town.”
To the student who wrote me an email saying he couldn’t come to class or turn in his paper because he had been whitening his teeth and the white strips made his gums sore.
My reply? This is what we call the wages of vanity. So sorry.
To the student who called me at 7am to complain about her grade on a plagiarized assignment.
My reply? Fuck you. Read the email I sent you before calling.
To the girl who texts nonstop during class and thinks I can’t tell because she has her phone under the table.
My reply? You better hope I know you’re texting. Otherwise what do you think it looks like when you have your hands fiddling around in your crotch all through class?
To the student who couldn’t come to class because someone was knocking on the door to the room next to his at 5am.
My reply? Yeah… that sucks, but the absence still isn’t excused.