It's My TV….It's My Peanut Butter

Warning: This blog post contains spoilers regarding the final five cylons. If you don’t know who they are, and you don’t want to know, don’t click the “more” tag.

Gentle readers, I am writing to alert you to a potential menace to our very survival.  Yes, bizarre as it is, I am growing more and more concerned that cylons are real.

No, no, the cancelation of One Life to Live has not caused me to finally crack. That happened during the one year I tried to teach high school and is entirely beside the point. (more…)

Okay, so we’ve seen a fair amount of ink on our intrepid cast of characters.  And some piercings here and there.  But what haven’t we seen?

Secret tattoos and piercings:

Adama: Big ass bird of prey on his shoulder or manly chest

Roslin: Has a four leaf clover on her ankle.  We are not ready to rule out the possibility of a tramp stamp from her younger days.

Billy: He had a cartilage piercing in high school and college, but took it out when he started interviewing for jobs.

Gaius: Downtown piercing.  Something tribal on the back of his neck.

Six: Definite tramp stamp.

Doc Cottle: Donald Duck somewhere and a pin up on his arm.

Dee: Got a dolphin tattooed on her ankle so Lee would think she was interesting.

Apollo: Probably has something tribal on his arm.

Starbuck: Honestly not sure she has anything we haven’t seen, but we won’t rule out a downtown piercing.

Tyrol: Had Sharon’s initials tattooed on his shoulder then tried to have it altered, but it wasn’t super successful.

Cally: Nothing

Helo: Nothing.  He’s au naturale.

Sharon: Navel ring.

Gaeta: Had nipple rings in his crazy college days.

Tigh: Colonial insignia on his arm.

Ellen: Foreign characters down the back of her neck, but has no clue what they mean.

Tori: Butterfly tramp stamp.

Anders: Pyramid themed tats.  Cartilage piercing.

Leoben: Pierced tongue.  Which he’s thought of very interesting uses for.

Zarek: Has a family crest or something pretentious like that.

Yeah, yeah, I’m late again.  Internet connection was out when I got home last night and I decided not to try to wait it out again.

What kind of house guest are they?

Adama: Not as careful as he should be with towels (he’s been a bachelor too long), but he’s very polite.  He doesn’t overstay his welcome and he helps with the dishes.

Roslin:  An absolutely lovely guest.  Brings the perfect hostess gift.  Does not overstay her welcome, makes her bed, folds towels, helpful, thoughtful, not pushy.  Offers to help with the dishes.  If she stays long enough she’ll definitely prepare at least one meal.

Billy: Brings the wrong hostess gift.  Does dishes, but breaks a small plate.  Tries so hard, but just a little bit off.

Gaius: Does not show up when he says he will.  Very charming and entertaining, but not helpful and kind of a douche.

Six: Barely noticed.  Almost a nonentity.  Not above banging for roof.

Doc Cottle: Is a slob and kind of smells.  No presents.  Not helpful.  Doesn’t stay long and is disruptive while he’s there.

Dee: Lovely.  Makes coffee in the morning.  Polite, sweet, helpful, takes the kids to the park.

Apollo: He’s a good, solid, middle of the road guest.  Would attempt to cook, but he’s not as awesome as he wants to be.  Would send a belated thank you.

Starbuck: You really don’t want her to come.  She’s unpredictable.  Doesn’t plan.  Calls from the airport and might bring an inappropriate guy with her.  On the other hand, if you go out while she’s there, she’ll totally treat you.  Months later she’ll send a gift, a nice one, with no explanation.  All this is different if she’s staying with Dad–then she’s on her best behavior.

Tyrol: Would start fixing stuff.  Everywhere.  Without being asked.  Not otherwise helpful.

Cally: Will bring a hand made gift and card.  Almost too helpful–takes things a bit too far.

Helo: Brings jerky.  Good with kids–he’s the cool uncle.  Not helpful.  Brings the dog.

Sharon: Kind of standoffish.  Quite.  Always seems uncomfortable.  Can’t engage with people.  Sends a form letter thank you.

Gaeta: Would redecorate without asking.  But he’s good at it.  He’s a good guest for the most part.

Tigh: Won’t bring a gift.  You don’t want him there if he’s with Ellen because they’ll have drunk money sex in your living room.

Ellen: Brings an ostentatious hostess gift and makes passive aggressive comments about how “humble” and “quaint” your home is.

Tori: She’s uncomfortable and you won’t see a lot of her anyway because she’ll be working the whole time.  She’s polite, but not engaging.  Will send a thank you.

Anders: He’s pleasant and fun, but he’s useless except for washing dishes and he leaves wet towels on the floor.  He would warn you of his arrival, but he might overstay by accident.

Leoben: Stays one night.  Cooks for you using exotic spices.  Leaves before you wake, leaving behind a polite note and a fresh pot of coffee.

Zarek: Tells you everything you’re doing wrong.  He’s a know-it-all and he’s pushy, but he smells good and will always make his bed.

Who aboard the Battlestar Galactica can handle their capsicum?  Do they like spicy food?

Adama: Hell yeah!  Pass the habanero.

Roslin: She can do it, but it’s not her favorite thing.  She doesn’t really make a habit of it.

Billy: Not so much.  He has a very sensitive GI.  Mild salsa is about the best he can do.

Gaius: Has a high tolerance but uses it in “interesting” ways.

Six: Yes.  But she’s not out to prove anything.

Doc Cottle: Yes, but he doesn’t like anything fancy–tabasco is his standby.  He does have the disturbing habit of putting pickled jalapenos in his oatmeal.

Dee: She can handle a decent amount of spice, but she’s not much of a fan of it.

Apollo: Oh dear, no!  He’s a delicate flower.  Poor thing has endured many painful dinners being mocked by his dad and Kara.

Starbuck: Are you kidding?  She snorts wasabi, uses habanero as a hangover cure, and hangs out with Papa ‘dama.

Tyrol: He didn’t used to like spicy food, but recently he’s started using it as a form of masochism.

Cally: She likes jalapeno poppers, but that’s about it.

Helo: He uses chilis in curing his meat, but he’s not in Dad or Starbuck territory.  He does have a decently high tolerance.

Sharon: Yes.  Like Tyrol she uses spice as self-flagellation.

Gaeta: He tries, but it upsets his tummy.

Tigh: Yeah, he sometimes mixes it in with his booze.  He can’t handle the same amount Adama does.  He once lost a chile eating contest to Starbuck and doesn’t like to talk about it.

Ellen: She has no real spice tolerance, but she’ll eat gourmet food if it’s spicy..

Tori: Generally spicy food aggravates her ulcer, but she’s been experimenting with Gaius.

Anders: No.  He tries to keep up with Starbuck and fails.

Leoben: He can handle it, but he’s a bit of a gourmet and prefers things subtle.

Zarek: He can handle basic spicy, but nothing outlandish.

Okay, this list requires a slight bit of explanation.  Back when Mary and I were creating these lists we both lived in the greater Washington DC Metro area.  One night over a couple of Daddy’s Little Girls (coffee infused Patron, run through a shaker with ice) we started pondering what the characters would be doing if they were in our area.  Kind of like a reverse Mary Sue.  This is what we came up with:

What would the inhabitants of the Battlestar Galactica do/where would they live if they lived int he DC Metro area?

Adama: Retired military working for a defense contractor, Lives in South Arlington on the Columbia Pike Corridor (Thai and Salvadoran food to satisfy his spicy food cravings)

Roslin: A Prof at NOVA where she teaches English and Speech, lives in Del Ray, Frequents Eastern Market

Billy: Lives at Balston but hangs out in bars at Clarendon and Courthouse.  He’s that guy in the suit you know he couldn’t really afford handing out his business card (a present from his mom) in bars

Gaius: Lives in a townhouse in DuPont; is a Prof at Georgetown, donates generously to a charter school

Six: lives in a modern condo in Pen Quarter; seems to be independently wealthy of live on family money, no one is quite sure what she does, but she’s very smart

Doc Cottle: Lives in Prince George’s County, MD in a formerly nice apartment building; works in public health, a county clinic or something, probably makes house calls; he’s a crochety old man, but he finds ways to help people, but all of his ways may not be legal

Dee: Lives in a small place in Columbia Heights (a less trendy place on the fringes), works for a  non-profit, not super social, but she goes out with her coworkers from time to time

Apollo: He’s the guy Billy wants to be.  They frequent the same bars, but Lee’s much better at the whole networking, smooth talking things.  JAG.  He’s a graduate of the Air Force Academy who lives on Capital Hill, but hangs out in Courthouse and Clarendon.  Involved in a few social causes he feels strongly about, very green, has a ZipCar membership, but kinda wants a SmartCar (though he knows Kara will mock it).  Sees a therapist weekly to discuss his daddy issues.

Starbuck: Lives in Southeast but isn’t worried because she carries a weapon and is confident she can take anyone who bothers her.  Papa Adama and Lee are always trying to get her to move.  Works as a security consultant.

Tyrol: Works at a contractor out at Reston and lives in Reston as well  Loves the whole suburban lifestyle.  Lives in a cookie cutter McMansion and feeds the houseplants on a very regulated schedule

Cally: Lives in a house with a bunch of other girls near Ballston; she has a basement room.  Works as an auditor and spends her days shuffling between sites.

Helo: Secret Service.  Lives in Virginia Square but is looking to buy a house (needs a yard for the dog)

Sharon: Lives in BFE Fairfax (probably near Bunnyman Bridge).  Likes to be alone.  Military, only there short term.

Gaeta: Lives in Tacoma Park (over the sketch sushi place) and works for some kind of Government contractor doing computer stuff.  He can’t really talk about it.

Tigh: Works with Papadama who helped him get the contractor job.  Lives in a run down house in Annandale.  Doesn’t like yard work except this one tree he really digs.  Has something of a rivalry with his neighbors the Gonzaleses

Ellen: Lives with Tigh, but is unhappy with the house.  She’s that lady in the SUV getting a $300 hair cut out at Tyson’s somewhere who wears nothing but designer clothes her husband can’t afford.

Tori: Just moved into the district from Silver Spring.  Possibly lives in the Chinatown area in a small apartment.  Works for the senator of a small state.

Anders: Lives in Pentagon Row and plays for DC United.

Leoben: Lives in a condo in Capital Hill.  Works as a therapist and stalks Starbuck on his spare time.

Zarek: On the DC Board and wants to run for mayor.  Thought about being the Rep to Congress, but he’s scared of Eleanor Holmes Norton.

Lets imagine that certain high school traditions with which we’re familiar exist in similar forms on the twelve colonies.  Like high school superlatives.  What high school superlatives would various Battlestar Galactica characters have likely earned?

Adama: Most likely to kick ass and take names.  (or inspired by that mustache) Most likely to shoot up Columbus, NM.

Roslin: Most likely to lead the way.

Billy: Most likely to succeed.

Gaius: Our favorite lockerbait.

Six: Most likely to violate the dress code.

Doc Cottle: Driest wit.

Dee: Most likely to break hearts.  Probably for some pretty boy with daddy issues who doesn’t even have a debate team ring!  … Sorry… we digress…

Apollo: Best dressed

Starbuck: Best shot (at pyramid, of course)

Tyrol: Most likely to invent a super powered doomsday device.

Cally: Most likely to become an 80’s pop icon.

Helo: The one we’d most like to be stranded on a devastated planet with.

Sharon: Most likely to be more than meets the eye.

Gaeta: Was actually voted Most likely to sing “Tainted Love” backwards during a joint session of the legislature, but blackmailed his way into Most eligible bachelor.

Tigh: Most likely to become a spokesmodel for Rogaine.

Ellen: Most likely to drive a man to drink.

Tori: Most likely to bang a cult leader, crack under pressure

Anders: Biggest jock

Leoben: Most likely to be a stalker.  Or a hitman.

Zarek: Zarek did not participate in any sort of superlative nonsense as superlatives are merely a tool to reinforce the classist, patriarchal system… blah… blah… blah…

Favored pick up lines of BSG characters

Adama: “Have you ever flown in a battlestar?”

Roslin: “You wanna be closer to the gods?  Or their messenger at the very least?”

Billy: Goes up to the lady with a friend and hands friend a 20$ bill “You’re right!  Those are the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen!”

Gaius: “Have you ever watched the sunrise over (fill in nearby geological feature with a strategically placed hotel)”

Six: “It’s God’s will that we…”

Doc Cottle: “Don’t worry.  I’m a doctor.”

Dee: (okay, this is so wrong I can’t believe I’m typing it, but…) “I’m off at 9.  Wanna get off at ten?”

Apollo: “Come here often?  ‘Cause if you do I might come back.”

Starbuck: “Let’s go!”

Tyrol: Generally doesn’t use a line.  Just rambles on about engineering stuff. (Or after a few too many) “You’re pretty!”

Cally: Incoherent giggling.

Helo: “That’s a nice tattoo.  Wanna see mine?”

Sharon: “Wanna be my baby daddy?”

Gaeta: “Would you like to go out sometime?  ‘Cause if not I have some photos I might have to spread around…”

Tigh: The type who silently buys a girl a drink from across the bar

Ellen: “You would not BELIEVE how drunk I am!”

Tori: Waits to be picked up

Anders: So… Did I tell you I play pyramid?

Leoben: Sends over a napkin saying, “You have a destiny…”

Zarek: “Wanna come back to my place and discuss the oppression of the masses?”  Yeah… Zarek doesn’t get laid a lot.

Okay, so we know the kinds of things our beloved characters admit to liking, but do they secretly enjoy?

What do they have hidden under their pillows?

Adama: something pulpy kinda cloak and dagger stuff.

Roslin: Bodice ripper.  Mysteries might be on the bookshelf, but it’s all “historical romance” when no one’s around.  Probably something with a title like The Gypsy Bride

Billy: Daredevil comics.  Girlie mag his frat brothers bought him in college.

Gaius: Jane Austen’s Emma.  It’s research to wow his dates with.  The copy of the Kama Sutra, however, is right on the shelf in plain sight.

Six: Nothing.  She has no need to hide that sort of thing.  (now there might be an explosive device of some sort under there, but no books)

Doc Cottle: 1970’s issues of Hustler and Penthouse

Dee: Something sci-fi.  Orson Scott Card or David Eddings perhaps.  It’s mostly hidden so Gaeta won’t see it… last time he got WAY too excited and she’s been to that sketch sushi place and doubts she’d survive another visit

Apollo: Julia Childs.

Starbuck: Probably hidden under the matters and if you see it she’ll kill you, but we suspect she has a copy of Bridget Jones’s Diary

Tyrol: Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus (or wherever it is baby cylons come from)

Cally: Buffy the Vampire Slayer novelizations

Helo: Danielle Steele.  We swear.

Sharon: It’s not what you’re eating, it’s what’s eating you

Gaeta: Elf Quest and any blackmail photos or paraphernalia he hasn’t had time to store at a more secure location.

Tigh: The 1970’s edition of The Joy of Sex complete with armpit hair

Ellen: letters from Zarek and a listing of plastic surgeons

Tori: Machiavelli’s The Prince, Please Understand Me II

Anders: Pyramid stats and porn.  More stats than porn.  Self help books about what to do when your woman doesn’t love you (and wants to shoot you between the eyes)

Leoben: What to do when the person you’re stalking turns out to be a reanimated corpse; possibly Twilight.  I think he gets dating tips from Edward.

Zarek: The Other Boleyn Girl.  Oh yeah, Zarek loves that fictionalized, scandalous historical stuff.

Okay, first of all, I need to apologize for not getting this up last night.  I wish I had a good excuse, but the truth is I just plain forgot.  Oops!

So today we explore the refrigerators of our beloved cast of characters.   You know, assuming they had personal refrigerators, which they clearly don’t, but if they did…

Adama: Basics:  eggs, cold cuts, cheese, bread, etc.

Roslin: The green gunk she drinks for breakfast.  Salad stuff.  Ice cream.  Couple of beers.

Billy: Left over pizza.  Left over mac and cheese.  Maybe a couple of apples, bottle of milk, bologna and Kraft singles

Gaius: Imelda shops daily.  He’s very particular.  A few key ingredients might be stored in there like eggs, onions, chilled adult beverage.

Six: Slight inventory but very high quality.  Brie, fresh fruit (I see pears).  I think she eats out a lot though.

Doc Cottle: Beer. Lot of old scary stuff.  Take out containers.  Also old and scary.

Dee: we see a lot of processed foods but nothing worse than cheese wiz and bologna.  Maybe a block of cheddar.  Frozen Lean Cuisine dinners.

Apollo: We think he’s a whole foods guy.  I also think he can cook (probably his “impress” move on 4^th date or so).  Probably very nutrition conscious

Starbuck: Limes.  Beer.  Socks (was intoxicated last time she did laundry).  Bread (Starbuck doesn’t fear carbs).  Can of cat food (he’s very particular)  Bucket of margarita

Tyrol: Very organized.  Everything dated and labeled.  Cold cuts.  Take out.  Chicken nuggets.  OJ.

Cally: Veggie burgers (not ‘cause she’s a vegetarian, she just happens to like them)  Left over mac and cheese.  Can of icing hidden in the back to be eaten out of with a spoon.

Helo: Beer, cheese, steaks, ground beef, salad stuff (maybe).  Suspect he might be the low carb type.

Sharon: Eats out a lot but doesn’t bring home leftovers.  Juice.  Milk (that might be on the edge of bad)

Gaeta: Crickets (for the iguana) science experiments, bowl of ramen (he didn’t finish ‘cause there was an emergency)

Tigh: Cheese dip.  Frozen burritos, frozen burgers…

Ellen: Cold cream, nail polish, gourmet prepared foods (no leftovers.  The very idea is insulting) Champagne.

Tori: Bottled water, grapefruit, peanut butter, eats out a lot.

Anders: Natty Ice.  Stale hash browns from McDonald’s.

Leoben: Starbuck’s ovary and a carton of orange juice.

Zarek: I’m guessing everything is organic and locally grown and fair trade and all that good stuff.  But I also like to believe that somewhere hidden in the back he’s got a block of velveeta or something else completely synthetic.

Okay, so I don’t think there are a lot of pets on the Battlestar Galactica.  Or anywhere in the colonial fleet.  If there were they’d have probably been eaten at some point.  But if our characters lived in an ideal world, what pets would they have had?

Adama: Medium sized mut (dog)

Roslin: Golden retriever

Billy: Can’t have a pet in his apartment, but his family has his cockerspaniel that he’s had since 4^th grade

Gaius: Either a parrot or a small fussy dog that could be kept in an oversized pocket

Six: Siamese cat

Doc Cottle: mangy old dog

Dee: Fish.  Guppies and the like.

Apollo: Standard grey tabby cat that is neither needy nor stand-offish

Starbuck: at the other end of the spectrum… crotchety one-eyed cat that refuses to stay in her place and probably beats up the neighborhood dogs.  And Apollo’s cat.

Tyrol: American bull dog

Cally: Rabbit

Helo: Chocolate lab.  They go camping together.  And eat jerky together.  And have really noxious gas together.

Sharon: Tropical fish tank

Gaeta: Iguana

Tigh: would like a big manly dog like Helo’s but stuck with…

Ellen: Pomeranian.  Pure bred.  Complete with papers.

Tori: Ferret

Anders: really stupid Dalmatian.  He thinks the spots are cool.

Leoben: Um… Starbuck?

Zarek: Doesn’t believe in keeping pets.  It’s enslaving animals.