An Invasive Species Problem

Hello gentle readers.  I am writing to you about a grave environmental crisis that is of special concern to this blog.  I am currently staying in the greater DC Metro area with friend-of-the-blog Mary who, as it so happens, lives in an area of town where I used to reside.  It used to be a lovely area—perhaps a little low rent compared to its neighbors but filled with things its neighbors lacked such as affordable housing, diversity and real people.  You know, the sort who know how to enjoy life and don’t spend their every waking moment networking or trying to move up the corporate ladder.  They’re a rarity in the region.  And at the moment an endangered one.  You see, the real people are getting driven out by an invasive species that normally only lived north of Route 50.  Yes, I am talking about the “dudes in brown flip flops.”

Yes, a couple years ago they started putting in luxury high rise apartment buildings with shiny new store fronts on the lower levels and a whole bunch of gyms and the whole place started going to the dogs.  The Bolivian festival had to move to a whole other town, cute family businesses shut down and the grocery store went all schwanky.  And that was all it took to bring in the invaders from the north.  The sort who really are just the typical corporate/political ladder climbing d-bags that the area is so oversaturated with but who pretend otherwise.  Who like to imitate real people but never quite get there.

Mary and I were discussing the problem earlier and decided that they are clearly and invasive exotic species, which ought to mean we can direct energy towards removing them.  We discussed it with friend-of-the-blog Teapot (who is a bonafide expert on the subject) and we came up with a couple options:

We could try a catch and release program.  We could lure them all in with the scent of organic coffee or something, put them in cages and release them north of Route 50 where they belong.  The downside is there are so many of them it would be time consuming and they might just wander back at any rate.

Teapot suggested we simply concede that they have taken over a certain amount of territory and focus on keeping them out of new areas.  Perhaps we can build a barrier around the land that has already been lost to them by constructing run down ethnic supermarkets with unmapped floors and 7-11s.  The trouble here is that they are so invasive I’m not sure they can be contained.

We could introduce some other species to keep them under control.  We’re having trouble determining the natural enemy of the dude in brown flip flops.  Hipsters were suggested.  I suggested hippie stoners.  The obvious downside here is of course that this new new species could also take over, so it would need to be handled very carefully.

So what say you readers?  What are your suggestions for stopping this blight?

BSG goes DC

Okay, this list requires a slight bit of explanation.  Back when Mary and I were creating these lists we both lived in the greater Washington DC Metro area.  One night over a couple of Daddy’s Little Girls (coffee infused Patron, run through a shaker with ice) we started pondering what the characters would be doing if they were in our area.  Kind of like a reverse Mary Sue.  This is what we came up with:

What would the inhabitants of the Battlestar Galactica do/where would they live if they lived int he DC Metro area?

Adama: Retired military working for a defense contractor, Lives in South Arlington on the Columbia Pike Corridor (Thai and Salvadoran food to satisfy his spicy food cravings)

Roslin: A Prof at NOVA where she teaches English and Speech, lives in Del Ray, Frequents Eastern Market

Billy: Lives at Balston but hangs out in bars at Clarendon and Courthouse.  He’s that guy in the suit you know he couldn’t really afford handing out his business card (a present from his mom) in bars

Gaius: Lives in a townhouse in DuPont; is a Prof at Georgetown, donates generously to a charter school

Six: lives in a modern condo in Pen Quarter; seems to be independently wealthy of live on family money, no one is quite sure what she does, but she’s very smart

Doc Cottle: Lives in Prince George’s County, MD in a formerly nice apartment building; works in public health, a county clinic or something, probably makes house calls; he’s a crochety old man, but he finds ways to help people, but all of his ways may not be legal

Dee: Lives in a small place in Columbia Heights (a less trendy place on the fringes), works for a  non-profit, not super social, but she goes out with her coworkers from time to time

Apollo: He’s the guy Billy wants to be.  They frequent the same bars, but Lee’s much better at the whole networking, smooth talking things.  JAG.  He’s a graduate of the Air Force Academy who lives on Capital Hill, but hangs out in Courthouse and Clarendon.  Involved in a few social causes he feels strongly about, very green, has a ZipCar membership, but kinda wants a SmartCar (though he knows Kara will mock it).  Sees a therapist weekly to discuss his daddy issues.

Starbuck: Lives in Southeast but isn’t worried because she carries a weapon and is confident she can take anyone who bothers her.  Papa Adama and Lee are always trying to get her to move.  Works as a security consultant.

Tyrol: Works at a contractor out at Reston and lives in Reston as well  Loves the whole suburban lifestyle.  Lives in a cookie cutter McMansion and feeds the houseplants on a very regulated schedule

Cally: Lives in a house with a bunch of other girls near Ballston; she has a basement room.  Works as an auditor and spends her days shuffling between sites.

Helo: Secret Service.  Lives in Virginia Square but is looking to buy a house (needs a yard for the dog)

Sharon: Lives in BFE Fairfax (probably near Bunnyman Bridge).  Likes to be alone.  Military, only there short term.

Gaeta: Lives in Tacoma Park (over the sketch sushi place) and works for some kind of Government contractor doing computer stuff.  He can’t really talk about it.

Tigh: Works with Papadama who helped him get the contractor job.  Lives in a run down house in Annandale.  Doesn’t like yard work except this one tree he really digs.  Has something of a rivalry with his neighbors the Gonzaleses

Ellen: Lives with Tigh, but is unhappy with the house.  She’s that lady in the SUV getting a $300 hair cut out at Tyson’s somewhere who wears nothing but designer clothes her husband can’t afford.

Tori: Just moved into the district from Silver Spring.  Possibly lives in the Chinatown area in a small apartment.  Works for the senator of a small state.

Anders: Lives in Pentagon Row and plays for DC United.

Leoben: Lives in a condo in Capital Hill.  Works as a therapist and stalks Starbuck on his spare time.

Zarek: On the DC Board and wants to run for mayor.  Thought about being the Rep to Congress, but he’s scared of Eleanor Holmes Norton.