Hello gentle readers. I am writing to you about a grave environmental crisis that is of special concern to this blog. I am currently staying in the greater DC Metro area with friend-of-the-blog Mary who, as it so happens, lives in an area of town where I used to reside. It used to be a lovely area—perhaps a little low rent compared to its neighbors but filled with things its neighbors lacked such as affordable housing, diversity and real people. You know, the sort who know how to enjoy life and don’t spend their every waking moment networking or trying to move up the corporate ladder. They’re a rarity in the region. And at the moment an endangered one. You see, the real people are getting driven out by an invasive species that normally only lived north of Route 50. Yes, I am talking about the “dudes in brown flip flops.”
Yes, a couple years ago they started putting in luxury high rise apartment buildings with shiny new store fronts on the lower levels and a whole bunch of gyms and the whole place started going to the dogs. The Bolivian festival had to move to a whole other town, cute family businesses shut down and the grocery store went all schwanky. And that was all it took to bring in the invaders from the north. The sort who really are just the typical corporate/political ladder climbing d-bags that the area is so oversaturated with but who pretend otherwise. Who like to imitate real people but never quite get there.
Mary and I were discussing the problem earlier and decided that they are clearly and invasive exotic species, which ought to mean we can direct energy towards removing them. We discussed it with friend-of-the-blog Teapot (who is a bonafide expert on the subject) and we came up with a couple options:
We could try a catch and release program. We could lure them all in with the scent of organic coffee or something, put them in cages and release them north of Route 50 where they belong. The downside is there are so many of them it would be time consuming and they might just wander back at any rate.
Teapot suggested we simply concede that they have taken over a certain amount of territory and focus on keeping them out of new areas. Perhaps we can build a barrier around the land that has already been lost to them by constructing run down ethnic supermarkets with unmapped floors and 7-11s. The trouble here is that they are so invasive I’m not sure they can be contained.
We could introduce some other species to keep them under control. We’re having trouble determining the natural enemy of the dude in brown flip flops. Hipsters were suggested. I suggested hippie stoners. The obvious downside here is of course that this new new species could also take over, so it would need to be handled very carefully.
So what say you readers? What are your suggestions for stopping this blight?