The following entry features gratuitous swearing, cursing and foul language in general. If you are offended by this, please stop reading.
What. The. Fuck.
I’m on travel (again) and my early morning flight combined with the fact that I’d left a document in my office had me on the road at o-dark-thirty. I’ve been out and about at this hour before, but I’ll grant you, it’s not my regular commute time. And if this morning was any example, I’m thanking baby-Jesus that I’m not out at this hour more often. The drivers this morning were total fucking assholes. Of the highest order (or lowest, depending on how you quantify this). More than this, they were dangerous assholes, which piss me off more than anything.
I had not one, but TWO cars pass me, in a no passing lane on a narrow road that was under construction winding and poorly lit. I was already speeding, but apparently not enough for these arrogant sons of bitches. Of course they high-beamed me and road my bumper before they did it. I was scared shitless with one of them riding right there (remember, I’ve been rear-ended recently), so I tapped the break. I think this pissed him off because that’s when he high-beamed me. Now, understand, this road has a 55 mph speed limit on a regular day. In broad daylight, under perfect circumstances, I can do this stretch at about 60, except for one curve where there’s a crazy intersection and you never know when you’ll pop up on someone stopped and waiting to make a left. But in the dead of night with uneven pavement, minimal markings, traffic cones and a posted speed limit of 45? Yeah, sorry I’m only doing 50, but I kinda like my life. The first one came early on and it was a beater. The second one was a BMW. I high-beamed the Beamer when he whipped back in front of me. And I think he might have been a bit worried when I followed him right onto the secure facility where we both apparently work.
So, I grab what I need, recover and head on my merry way to the airport. As I’m passing through one little down where again, the speed limit is 40, I’m doing about 48 because it’s early and so few folks are out. Once again, a car starts riding my ass. Oh for the love of shit. So I bump it up to 50 to put a little more space, which he quickly absorbs. I know better than to go faster because around a curve is a stoplight which is always red when I come through. Always. And of course, my friend the ass-leech waits until the outside lane has not just turned to a right-turn-only lane, but it’s actually mostly disappeared and the pavement is tapering off to pass me on the right. I had to swerve into the left turn lane to avoid having my fender taken off. And then the fuck-tard had the nerve to shoot ME the bird as the zoomed past. Look, asshat, I’m not the one who needs remedial driver’s education, basic physics, and some kindergarten level training on behavior and respect.
Did I mention that this one was another Beamer?
And that stop light around the curve? Yeah. It was red. Again. He totally had to slam on his breaks and was immediately in front of me. I’m not sure he could see me in his rearview mirror, but I totally pointed and laughed. That made me feel a little better. Not as much as a loaded RPG-7 mounted on the top of my compact car and aimed at his over-priced kraut-wagon, but I take what I can get.
Oh, but wait. The driving portion of humanity was in fine form today and there’s MORE!
So, we’re on another divided highway. I hate this stretch because the speed limit is 55, but it’s wide open and with long stretches between traffic lights (all of which you can see easily to slow down for). My instinct is to go 70, but they do have cops lurking, so I have to reign in. At 65, I’m usually fast enough to match the majority of the traffic, with those one or two speed demons to scrape up the cops.
But this morning, there was construction on this stretch (apparently they decided to repair every road in this state AT THE SAME TIME). The two lanes were down to one, with the right lane occupied by a huge truck lit up with all kinds of lights and a few guys working around it. I figured, for this, I ought to at least slow down to the actual speed limit. So I did. And as I did, two more vehicles came screaming up behind me. These would be the speed demons who do 70 and catch the cops.
With the construction in the right lane, I couldn’t very well whip over. So I gassed it a little more, and put my blinker on, to let the hemorrhoids know I was going to clear out ASAP. Except I wasn’t fast enough for them (or they ignored my blinker–maybe they were from Illinois/Indiana and didn’t know what the flashing light meant). As soon as I cleared the construction equipment, I started to move over. Thank god I check my mirrors because hemorrhoid #1 squeezed through in behind me to scream past on the right. I jerked back into the left lane. Blinker still on, I started moving again, and Holy Shit, there was a damned Dodge pick up doing the same mother-fucking thing. WTF? I still had the blinker on. Anyone except a God-damned blind man could see I was moving over! Why the SHIT would you do that? This is the mid-west where even Kristy has noticed, we really do drive in the right lane and use the left for passing.
I finally made it to the airport, and here I sit, pissed at humanity and struggling to figure out where the fuck people get off thinking they’re God-damn invincible in a fucking car. Ignorant, arrogant jack-asses. Even if you don’t kill or maim someone, do you know how much of a time-waste and total piss off it is for someone to have to have a vehicle repaired? And I think I need a big honking sticker proclaiming the fact that I’m an attorney. Maybe that would dissaude a few of them. Yeah, I’m not licensed in this state, but I’m free to represent myself and it’s not going to cost me a dime to do it. And since I know I’m following the rules of the road, I’m going to have a slam-dunk case against the lawyer you’re going to have to pay $200/hour. And yes, I WILL sue for attorneys fees.
And my rate is $275/hour.