It's My TV….It's My Peanut Butter

Would we drink coffee with George Wythe?

Kristy: Well, given that the man died as a result of poisoned coffee I’m guessing he might be off the stuff for good.  But I would happily sit down with George Wythe (it’s pronounced “With”) with his beverage of choice.  When I worked in Williamsburg “Who’s your favorite founding father?” was a common game.  Geoge was my boss’s fave and I have to admit he became one of mine.  If the Old Spice Man is the Man your Man could Smell Like, then George Wythe was the Founding Father your Founding Father wishes he was.  Unlike a lot of his colleagues who preached freedom and liberty but only practiced it when convenient, George walked the walk.  Unlike others who freed their slaves in their wills, George freed his while he was alive (and the fact that several stayed on as hired labor says something about what kind of boss he was).  He’s not as famous as some of his contemporaries, but I honestly think that probably suits ol’ George.  You don’t really get the sense this was a man who wanted to make a name for himself–he wanted to do good things.  If nothing else the legacy he left in some of his students (he was our nation’s first law professor):  Thomas Jefferson, John Marshall, etc makes this man worthy of a chat.  I wanna know what TJ was like in his college years.  What he thinks of our current university system?  What he thinks about what we’ve done with his country?  I also want to know if George Washington is buried in his basement, but that’s a story for another time.

Cammy: Definitely willing to have a beverage with the man (though, as Kristy pointed out, perhaps asking him to have a cup of coffee may be in poor taste).  I can’t claim to be as ardent a fan as Kristy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate them man.  The first law prof thing alone renders him something of a rock-star to me.  That he trained our boy TJ is only more reason to want to buy him a drink.   TJ thought highly of the man, and that gives Wythe a kind of credibility that I can’t quite quantify.  And we know that Wythe thought something of his old student as well (among other things, he willed two silver cups to TJ, which Jefferson had melted and reformed into the Jefferson Cup tumblers, as well as his books).  I’d like to know what he has to say about his poisoning.  How pissed was he about that whole thing?  And while Kristy wants to question him on the university system, I’d like to know how he feels specifically about legal education and the way we’ve abandoned the apprenticeship method of study we had for so long, in favor of this mass-market production method that churns out a lot of theory and little practical experience.  I suspect he’d have a thing or two to say about that.  But mostly, he is just the kind of awesome, yet underrated guy that you want to take some time to get to know better.  Because he deserves it.

So I’m sick and crazy busy and have no time to write a real post.  So today I give you historical trivia that you never wanted.

You know Thomas Jefferson?  One of our nation’s most visionary founders who had his fair share of skeletons in his closet?  That guy Cammy and I agreed to have coffee with?

He dressed to the left.

Yes, they have physical evidence.  Yes, someone has taken the time to study this.  I like to think that somewhere out there there’s a dissertation on the ways our founding father’s positioned their genitalia.

24 February 1803.  The United States Supreme Court hands down a decision that turned their branch from the governmental equivalent of a kid in the back of the room eating paste to the all-star-football player/valedictorian.

The case was Marbury v. Madison.  The situation was this:  On the eve of his departure from office, President John Adams rushed through a lot of judiciary appointments, mostly to his buddies in the greater DC metro area (just in case you thought politicians favoring their cronies was something new).  They were all legitimate appointments, but the shear volume made it impossible for all the papers to be delivered in one night.  Some of the appointments didn’t get handed out, but it was assumed since the paperwork was all documented, signed and sealed, the incoming administration of Thomas Jefferson would do the delivering.

But the new staff didn’t deliver those documents.  A gentlemen named Marbury who was to have received one of those appointments, well, he was ticked.  And like anyone in the legal field, he decided to sue (see, suing people isn’t new either).  So, he took his suit against Madison (who, on orders of Jefferson, had not delivered that the appointments) for a writ of mandamus (which, is just a fancy term for a command to do something–in this instance the demand would be to give Marbury his judicial appointment).  Why not go straight to the highest court?  The US Constitution didn’t really allow for this, but the Judicial Act of 1789 did.

So, here sits the Supreme Court with what’s as much a conflict between two political parties as anything (really, there’s nothing new under the moon in Washington).  What to do?

How about nothing?

Well, not nothing really, but sort-of nothing.

In its opinion, the court said that, yes, Marbury had a right to his appointment, and yes by law he could get legal recourse….but–and this is the part that gets people–the court then said, “We can’t give you your legal recourse.”

See, the Judicial Act of 1789 is what Marbury used to justify his going straight to the Supremes for his justice, but where the Judicial Act said, “Yes, the Supreme Court is the Place For You” the CONSTITUTION told another story.  Under the Constitution, the Supreme Court was not the place to go for this type of justice.  And the Supreme Court–Justice Marshall in particular–recognized that the big issue here was nothing at all to do with whether or not Marbury got his piece of paper: it was about whether Congress had the right to pass an Act that changed the jurisdiction of the Court, contradicting the Constitution itself.

It was a stroke of brilliance, by saying that they did not have the right to decide Marbury’s case, they picked up a much bigger gun for their arsenal:  the right to review Congress’s laws in light of the Constitution.  The instant power gratification the Court could have gone for by exercising jurisdiction over this case and issuing a decision to force delivery of the appointment to Madison would ultimately have rendered the Supreme Court a far weaker branch of the government.  Just another court deciding whatever petty little cases that Congress tossed into their jurisdiction.  Instead, they are a powerful branch offering a legitimate amount of power balance to the other two.

It’s one of those instances where giving up a little power resulted in much greater power in the end.

Cammy: I really don’t think I could have coffee with Ben Franklin.  Not because I don’t like him or I’m scared of him or anything like that.  I just think that he would insist on beer.  And, me having no problems whatsoever with that most blessed of beverages–I agree with something Ben once said about beer being proof that God love us and wants us to be happy–I could totally follow him down to the nearest pub or bar for a pint and some good conversation.  As long as he didn’t try to hit on us.  I mean, I want to talk inventions, his choice not to patent his works–geeky stuff.  It’s tougher to do that if the old guy is flirting with you, ya know?  I also want to give him a little heck about his comments about German girls not being quality enough for an English guy to marry without a huge dowery.  Oh, yeah, we DEFINITELY have to have a little talk about that one, Ben.

Kristy: How could I not?  Out of all our founding father’s I suspect he was the most fun to hang out with.  Cammy’s probably right about the beer, and I’m not much of a beer drinker.  But I think Ben would be okay with me sipping on a nice glass of port while he drinks his beer.  Somehow I think he’d rather I drink port than a girly, fruity malt beverage like I tend to when forced to drink beer.  It would be interesting to hear what he thinks of us now.  I suspect he thinks Americans have retained more puritanical traits than he would have hoped.  As and early defender of Native Americans I’d hate to have to tell him how much we screwed that up.  I think we could have an interesting convo about American folklore though, and I think he’d be thrilled that people are studying it seriously, rather than trying to imitate the Europeans in everything.  Got to be careful though–I suspect Ben’s the kind of enabler who refills your glass when you’re not looking.  Definitely going tandem with Cammy on this one too.

Kristy: Absolutely yes! Okay, to be honest I don’t think Pat and I would agree on a whole lot politically. ‘Cause I’m a big fan of the Constitution and don’t think we should leave all social welfare programs up to the church. On the other hand, we can both agree that the Bill of Rights was pretty swell and he seems to have come around on the whole Constitution thing. But the real reason for having coffee with him is kind of just to listen to him talk. Because seriously, that guy was a heck of a public speaker. Also, Martha Washington once told me you should judge a man by how he treats his wife. (this statement should probably be contextualized, but no. I’m gonna leave it hanging.) And Patrick Henry was extremely sweet to his first wife after she lost her mind. Advised to have her locked up in the Public Hospital which was little more than a prison, he kept her at home and took care of her personally. Quite remarkable when you consider attitudes towards mental illness of the day. How can you NOT drink coffee with a guy like that?

Cammy: To be honest? I’d only do coffee with Pat Henry if I had someone along with me. I mean, I admire the guy, though I know less about him than you do, but I think he’d intimidate me. I mean, you don’t get to be a good orator without a big voice and, I’ll admit, I tend to kind of shrink a bit from the loud ones. I’d need someone else there to take the attention off me so I could just observe until I was comfy enough to jump in. Which would happen eventually because there would be some fist-bumping between Pat Henry and I where social programs are concerned. And you’re too right on the wife. Think he’ll backpedal when we get all girly and start saying “Awwwwweeeee!” or will he be able to accept the praise?

Kristy: I’m totally willing to come with you, Cammy, but I’m not sure you’ll need me. I don’t know that P. Henry was was loud and booming when dealing with people one on one. I mean, the guy had like 17 kids, so he had to have some ability to relate to people. I do foresee him turning a little red when we tell him what a sweetheart he was, but I don’t see him backpedaling. No reason a man should apologize for loving his wife. Don’t you agree, Martha?

Cammy: Oh! We’re having Martha along? That’ll be fun. I’ll take your word for it on his ability to relate to people, although I’m not sure 17 kids is proof. The only conclusion you can get from him fathering 17 kids is that he knew how to relate to his wife…..

Cammy: Would I have coffee with Thomas Jefferson? Is the Pope Catholic? Hell, yes. Intellectual property law might seem new and cutting edge, but my fellow W&M alum, TJ, had a deeper and better understanding of the topic than most people do now. Seriously, how could I not want to sit down and hash out intellectual property and the general state of government today over a cuppa Joe with the first Patent Examiner in the US, the author of the Declaration of Independence and the dude on the nickel? I’ll admit, I think I’d be just a bit intimidated by his intellect to begin with, but the guy used to break it down on a fiddle at Chowning’s Tavern, so he’s got to be at least somewhat approachable, right?

Kristy: Most definitely. Say what you will about him, that man could turn an eloquent phrase. And was miles ahead of his time on issues like religious freedom and education. But only if Cammy’s there with me. No, I’m not scared off by the less savory aspects of Mr. Jefferson’s reputation. But they say TJ was “that guy” who isn’t much of a public speaker, but if he corners you at a party won’t shut up. I’m afraid coffee with him would take hours and hours, and while I’d love to spend time with TJ, I have things to do. Actually… second thought. I’m not bringing Cammy. Cammy has an over developed sense of self-preservation and the second the conversation gets tedious she’ll excuse herself to go to the bathroom and never return. Yeah, I know your ways, Cammy.

So freshman year of undergrad my medieval/Renaissance lit prof asked us to characterize God from Paradise Lost. We all kind of stared at her blankly as freshmen will do when you ask them to provide a character analysis of God and she asked, “Do you want to drink coffee with God?” I’m pretty sure she threw out some more random questions, but I don’t remember them because I was distracted by the poignancy of that question. It occurred to me that is the perfect way to assess the “coolness” of a person. If I would share a cup of coffee with them, they’re alright. Now anyone who knows me and anything about my coffee consuming ways will probably point out at this moment that I will drink coffee anywhere, anytime regardless of who’s around. And that’s true. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about sitting down and really drinking my coffee with this person. Leisurely. Savoring it. While chatting, gossiping, whatever.

So, because we know you desperately wanted to know, here are the answers to whether Cammy and I would share a cup of joe with famous people we will, in all likelihood, never actually get to drink coffee with. Most of these people are dead, so Cammy (who actually thinks about the practicalities of these things, that’s why we keep her around) has suggested that all coffee sessions take place at the Spatial Anomaly Coffee Bar and Refueling Station. A charming place on the way to everywhere if you know the right route, and whose even more charming proprietor Mary doesn’t mind us stopping in from time to time with dead people. There’s also an adjoining bar in case the person we’re meeting with prefers something a little stronger than coffee.

Would we drink coffee with… George Washington?

Kristy: You know what? I wasn’t really sure when I sat down to write this, but I think it’s a yes for me. I’m not sure he’d be the most interesting coffee date ever, but can I really say no to the Father of my Country? (Though, there are rumors he may have, in fact, been the Mother of our Country. Reason enough to have coffee with him.) Also in his favor is the impression I’ve always had that he was a little less aristocratic than many of his contemporaries, so I wouldn’t have to worry as much about my table manners. Not to mention, they say he could crack a walnut between two fingers, and I’d kind of like to see that. It helps that How I Met Your Mother provided me with a new mental image of George which I’m just going to go with from now on. I also suspect that he’d be a short coffee date—I don’t see George as someone who lingers over his coffee. Which for the record, I’m pretty sure he likes black. He’s got more important things to do like winning the Revolution, reducing Virginia’s agricultural dependence on tobacco, and plotting Freemason conspiracies.

Cammy: I’m going with “yes” on the basis of checking the box. I mean, poor GW is practically a cliche in the pantheon of historic figures and avoiding cliche is difficult, so you might as well get it over with, ya know? I’ll bite on the Founding Mother thing. However if you are parlaying a Freemason’s apron into cross dressing, I really will be forced to smack you. But back to GW. The man had a big front porch with rocking chairs. I love porches, I love rocking chairs–at least he and I would have that in common. I also have to give him props on the foresight to warn against the kind of party politics we have going on now. I’d love to get his two cents on that one, if only to hear the “I-told-you-so” come out of his mouth. I’m not so sure about the black coffee though. I mean, sure, back in the army and frontier days, I’m sure he was all about the black coffee because even if he would have risked the ridicule from the other guys for making his coffee girly, I doubt the opportunity to do so came up much. But on his own time, in a quiet setting? I’m betting he sneaks the cream in when he thinks no one is looking.

Kristy: Re: Founding Mother: Couple years ago one of the tabloids ran an article alleging that George was a woman. A trannie. And that Martha was in on the whole thing and was either a lesbian or a man. I would never equate cross dressing with freemasonry. I like cross dressers.

Cammy: I’m going to let the cross dressers vs. Freemasons bit go….for now. Hmmm, if GW was a she, wouldn’t that make for a fun time revising the text-books?