Heat: Mother Nature’s Latest Torture Device

Okay, I’m a good southern girl.  One of my DEA nicknames was “Swamp Rat”.* Summer heat and humidity, bring it on.  Hell of a lot better than the bitter winter dryness.  But even I have to call enough at some point.  I imagine most of our readers are probably sick of hearing complaints about the heat; from what I understand if you live in North American you’re probably getting hammered with recockulous heat and have been for some time.

I really shouldn’t complain too much.  Where I am we’ve only cracked 100 a couple times and I know it’s a lot worse in other places.  My Aunt in Dallas has been nearly convinced to brave Virginia winters for the rest of her life just to avoid summers like this.  For me it’s not so much the height of the mercury as the fact it won’t quit.  Where I live it’s not unusual to have hot weather, but it usually cools off at night.  Mornings are usually temperate.  But lately when I leave my not really air conditioned apartment to go to my only slightly more air conditioned office I’m already dripping with sweat.  How am I supposed to look like a dignified editor when I’m soaking wet and stinky?

And here’s what really gets me: it’s that Mother Nature is doing this to us after a bitter Winter full of snow and ice and a Spring full of tornados.  Aren’t we entitled to at least one non-record breaking season?  Can I please, please beg for a reasonable Fall?  You people keep telling me that Mother Nature doesn’t really hate me, but the evidence seems to suggest otherwise.  (I repeat:  If it’s just that she has kinky ways of showing her affection can I please have a safe word?)  Yes, yes, I know this is just her revenge for all the crap we do to the environment, but I didn’t do it!  Please, Mother Nature, I’ll be good.  I’ll campaign to make my county start recycling.  I’ll do anything, just give us a break!


*If you’re wondering why I have a DEA nickname you’ll have to check out the tell all book I’m not actually writing I’m Not that Kind of Intern and Other Useful Spanish Phrases.

Still Don’t Trust Mother Nature

Last week at this time it was so cold that the moisture in my eyes and nose froze while I was waiting for the bus.  Today it was warm enough I didn’t feel comfortable leaving a bottle of wine in my car for half an hour.  People talk as though this kind of sudden temperature shift is a southern Indiana peculiarity.  That might me true, but it’s hardly a unique one.  Spending a large chunk of my life in southeastern Virginia, I’m used to this.

Which is why I know better than to trust it.

My first winter in Virginia, which was more or less my first winter ever on account of before that time the furthest north I’d lived was Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, taught me better.  That winter everyone told us that Virginia winters weren’t that bad, didn’t include much snow, and were nothing to worry about.  Well it turned out that winter (not unlike this one) was one of the worst that area had experienced in recorded memory.  And February was the worst.

On February 17th (I remember the date because it was my sister’s birthday) it snowed for more than 24 hours straight and we got eighteen inches of snow.  The next weekend was 80 degrees.  The weekend after that we had an actual blizzard and another thirteen inches of snow.  And then I decided to move back to Florida.  Clearly that part didn’t work out.

So I can’t quite rejoice in this week’s balmy temperatures.  In the back of my head I know that next weekend could very easily be a blizzard.  I know that this could just be Mother Nature lulling me into a false sense of security.  But I won’t be fooled.  Uh uh.  Not this time.

Really Over Winter!

We’ve talked about my dislike of nature.  How I’m convinced that Mother Nature is trying to kill me.  Loyal reader Teapot says that she actually loves me; she’s just a kinky bitch and is into causing pain.  Well if that’s the case, can someone please let me know what the safe word is?  Cause I don’t think I can take any more!

I’m a southern girl.  Winter in Virginia is a hardship for me.  Winter is southeastern Virginia.  So Indiana winters kind of make me hate life.  It’s not Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I actually like cloudy rainy days.  What I hate is cold.  And ice.  And gross muddy snow.  Back in November I bought my first pair of snow boots since 2002.  I thought that would keep it from snowing much this year.  Yeah… that didn’t happen.

Instead we’ve gotten a record breaking winter.  Joy.  I’m thrilled.  No really.  You just can’t tell because my face is frozen in place.

It started sleeting here on Monday night and continued sleeting all day Tuesday.  Then the wind kicked in.  At some point I was sitting on my couch last night and heard loud cracking sounds like gunshots.  Found out this morning that it was a couple of massive limbs falling off a tree in the apartment complex across the way.  Since they don’t seem to have damaged the actual apartments I can snicker that this is what said complex gets for never clearing their sidewalks.  I get off the bus on their sidewalks and yesterday it was a pure sheet of ice.  Add to the ice a steep incline and I was completely unable to walk down the sidewalk (er… up the sidewalk).  Instead I wound up literally sliding down the hill until I got close enough to the edge of the sidewalk to jump into the street.  Because yes, at that point it seemed like the safer option.

Anyway, I’m grateful that I kept power most of the time through this.  And I’m thrilled that classes were canceled so I got to stay home.  But seriously?  I need this shit to end.

Please Mother Nature.  I’ll plant a tree.  I’ll be nice to spiders.  Whatever it takes.  Just stop with the torture!