It's My TV….It's My Peanut Butter

Would we drink coffee with Mary Todd Lincoln?

Kristy: Yeah.  I’ll confess it’s out of sick curiosity as much as anything.  Mary Todd has a reputation for being less than sane and I’m curious to see if it’s deserved.  There’s way too much evidence for me to believe it’s all made up, but you have to wonder if it’s been exaggerated.  To be fair, the woman had every reason to be insane–she outlived three of her four sons and watched her husband get shot in the head and then take all night to die.  That would do a number on a person.  I’ve also been reading a lot on the plight of mothers in the Western states (Western being everything to the left of the Ohio River) and it would be cool to collect a first hand account from her.  On the other hand, I’m going to make sure I arrange for someone to call me with a very important fake phone call half an hour in, in case she’s not a fun kind of crazy and I need to get out of there.

Cammy: How about I volunteer to make that call?  While I would like to know if she was AS nutty as history claims, I’m not interested enough to risk having to deal gracefully with that nuttiness (because you know there’s definitely some). I’d feel awful because I really do pity the woman for the series of tragedies she had, but I’m not well equipped to deal with craziness, even when it’s understandable.   And since Kristy’s willing to be the sacrificial lamb on this and get the information, I can be content to sit over in the bar with my cell phone.  And hey, Kristy, while you’re prying into how far she’d really gone ‘round the twist, try this angle:  was she having serious hormonal imbalances?  I only ask because I’ve seen what rampant hormonal imbalances can do to women in my family–it’s one small step away from calling a Catholic priest and breaking out the Holy Water.

Kristy: Hormones are a definite possibility.  She also suffered at least one significant head injury.  It’s also possible her insanity was exaggerated by her son (who received control of her finances after having her committed).  I would also like everyone to note Cammy’s self-preservation instinct kicking in again.  This time she’s just feeding me to a crazy person though, not a zombie.

Cammy: Would I have coffee with the man who led the attack on the Alamo?  The quintessential “bad-guy” in Texas history?  Oh, hell yeah, I would!  I’ve wondered for years exactly what tenor his brand of insanity took.  Clearly he was a megalomaniac, but was he just plain crazy to boot? How would he attempt to justify his back and forth, in and out, this-side then that-side behavior in so many events in Mexican history?  There was so much more to this guy than his role as the adversary in the Texas revolution, and I’d give my eye teeth to try and get him to give up more information.  Granted, I’d take it all with a large amount of salt.  I’ve no doubt the man would be a master at bullshitting to impress.  I’m sure he’d be more than happy to talk about himself, but I’m not going to bank on any of it being true.
Kristy: Um… I think I’m gonna go with no.  I’m tempted for all the reasons Cammy mentioned above.  From an historical perspective it would be beyond fascinating and probably help clear things up.  But I just don’t know that I can do it.  Not so much for the whole leading a couple massacres angle–I already agreed to have coffee with Henry VIII and Elizabeth I about whom the same could more or less be said.  I’m afraid of the legendary temper.  Granted, based on his political success, the man had to be able to turn on the charm when needed.  It’s just to hard to know which personality would show up for coffee.  I’m going to break with my normal character and take the safer option.  But I’m totally going to try to get video or audio of Cammy’s coffee with him.

Cammy: Hey!  When did you steal my self-preservation instinct?!?

Cammy: Would I have coffee with Thomas Jefferson? Is the Pope Catholic? Hell, yes. Intellectual property law might seem new and cutting edge, but my fellow W&M alum, TJ, had a deeper and better understanding of the topic than most people do now. Seriously, how could I not want to sit down and hash out intellectual property and the general state of government today over a cuppa Joe with the first Patent Examiner in the US, the author of the Declaration of Independence and the dude on the nickel? I’ll admit, I think I’d be just a bit intimidated by his intellect to begin with, but the guy used to break it down on a fiddle at Chowning’s Tavern, so he’s got to be at least somewhat approachable, right?

Kristy: Most definitely. Say what you will about him, that man could turn an eloquent phrase. And was miles ahead of his time on issues like religious freedom and education. But only if Cammy’s there with me. No, I’m not scared off by the less savory aspects of Mr. Jefferson’s reputation. But they say TJ was “that guy” who isn’t much of a public speaker, but if he corners you at a party won’t shut up. I’m afraid coffee with him would take hours and hours, and while I’d love to spend time with TJ, I have things to do. Actually… second thought. I’m not bringing Cammy. Cammy has an over developed sense of self-preservation and the second the conversation gets tedious she’ll excuse herself to go to the bathroom and never return. Yeah, I know your ways, Cammy.