It's My TV….It's My Peanut Butter

So for part II of my changing the channel adventure, I decided to check out Days of our Lives. I didn’t really have much of a concrete reason for choosing this one other than the online buzz for the show at this point seems fairly decent.

I didn’t have any trouble figuring out what was going on. For the most part (more on this later). Just like in stereotypes they do a good enough job of working exposition into scenes that it’s easy enough to catch up. Even though there’s major plotline that seems to be referencing some deep history.

Over all, I’m digging the show a bit more than B&B (which annoys me since it’s twice as long). There are things I definitely like about it. I like that they’ve spent a lot of time dealing with the friendship dynamics between Abigail and Melanie. Abigail kind of grates on my nerves, but the big issue is that television usually gets so swept up in couple swapping that they forget to include non-sexual friendships. And friendships can be just as compelling dramatically. I loved watching Melanie listen to Abbey’s whole story about sleeping with her married professor boss. You could see Melanie thinking that her friend was crazy and stupid and yet trying to still be a good friend. A lot of us have been there. It was a nice touch of reality.

Other things I like: EJ is a wonderful villain. Smarmy and smug. Devious. But he’s also multifaceted—seems to actually have some sort of a heart and feelings etc. I was blindsided by the revelation that EJ and Sami had slept together (this is a big deal because they’re both married to other people) because ordinarily on soaps when people have secrets they talk about them constantly, loudly, in public locations. I’m amazed that the show enabled me to be surprised. Nicely done. On the other hand, I wasn’t entertained by Sami’s husband Rafe making out with her sister Carrie because they kept building and building to it, yet I don’t really see any chemistry between the two. I’m also incredibly sick of listening to Sami yell at people about it. I hate when television shows do this thing where they have characters have the same conversation over and over again and it goes nowhere. Oops, this was supposed to be the things I liked. I like Will. By which I mean Will is an obnoxious little punk, but that’s an accurate portrayal of a young man in his late teens/early 20s. Particularly one simultaneously struggling with being in the closet and knowing his mother cheated on the step-father he really likes with the ex-step-father he hates. I liked the corporate espionage storyline with Sami and Madison, particularly in the way it made it clear that people around the two women would not have been so upset out of similar behavior by men. Nice. I like that the professor sleeping with the student subplot didn’t go with the standard seductive teacher but when with the kinda psycho undergrad. (By the way, since you may not be watching, they didn’t actually sleep together, she’s just convinced him they did. He was actually too drunk to stay conscious that long).

Things I dislike: Stefano is simultaneously too much of a cartoon villain and not enough of a cartoon villain. It’s hard to do a fleshed out caricature, and they aren’t pulling it off. I’m not entertained by this whole subplot where Hope (who thinks she’s married to Bo) is actually married to John (who thinks he’s married to Marlena). I don’t care. I don’t get why they care so much. I just want it over. I don’t like the whole election storyline because I’m clearly supposed to be rooting for Abe, but I can’t get past is unethical behavior (he let someone give him the debate questions ahead of time while slipping his opponent fake debate questions). His whole logic that his opponent (the aforementioned EJ) was dirty and so he had to sink down to fight him at that level didn’t convince me. Nor did his desperation that EJ would do horrible things as mayor. Seriously, he’d just be mayor. Too my knowledge that doesn’t come with missile codes or anything. How badly could he screw things up in one term? I was relieved when Abe’s wife finally pointed that out to him, but not relieved enough to like this storyline.

So over all, I’m definitely liking it more that Bold and the Beautiful. But I’m not loving it. I’m not invested in it. When my DVR crashed and erased an episode I wasn’t that upset. I didn’t even go watch it online. Maybe investment takes time. I had half a lifetime invested in OLTL and I don’t expect to feel that for any other show any time soon. But I’m still trying to support scripted drama where I can. And I’ll admit I’ve been thrilled to see ratings for all the non-ABC soaps increasing while the ratings for ABC’s new reality show nosedive into the toilet.

I thought about coming up with something creative to post about, but I have a migraine that I’ve had on and off since Friday. So we’re just going to stick with reactions to our British import obsession.

I just really don’t know what to think about Isobel this season. Last season I really liked her. This season I really don’t. I’m thrilled she’s going to help the refugees though I worry every time she leaves she’s going to croak and everyone will have to feel guilty. Not to mention it will screw with our survival odds.

I’m not sure how I felt about the Patrick thing. I know, as a soap fan I should be behind any plot that involves amnesia and people coming back from the dead. But… I’m not sure I am.

I kinda need them to stop kicking Edith in the shins. I don’t love her, but seriously? Is this necessary?

I know I’m probably the only one, but I kinda want more Sibyl and Branson.

I’m kind of sad we aren’t seeing as much of the sweetness in Robert and Cora’s marriage as we saw last season.

I feel genuinely bad for Daisy. They spent a season teaching the poor girl about honesty and integrity and then told her it only mattered some of the time. You can’t do that to a girl. Especially one as simple as Daisy.

Oh Matthew… I simultaneously want to hug him and push his chair into something hard.

Lady Violet is totally who I want to be when I grow up.

I knew Vera was going to be dead. I knew it! Who killed Vera? Cammy did, obviously.

Were you enjoying the lack of soap opera related posts? Too bad. Today we’re going to talk just a little about how my life has changed since One Life to Live’s cancelation. For one thing, I no longer eat lunch at exactly 2:00pm. For another thing I’m watching less ABC. And judging by their ratings, I’m not the only one. But I digress.

I originally figured when OLTL went off I’d be done with soaps. I was trying to look on the bright side and think that gave me five hours of extra useable time every week. But the more previews I saw for OLTL’s replacement (I like to call it The Coup) the more pissed off I became. And it occurred to me, that if I turn off the television it hurts ABC marginally. I’m not a Nielsen family, but I was recording things on my DVR, and the do get statistics on that. But since advertisers focus on market share, if all I do is make the size of the market smaller, I hurt ABC a little bit. But if I just change the channel, I hurt them a little bit more. And I liked that idea.

So I decided to check out a new soap. Now as regional markets would have it, there are no scripted dramas in the 2:00pm slot where I live. So I had to content myself with hurting All My Children’s replacement, which is okay, though slightly less satisfying. Fourth Street Media has stated on Twitter recently that channel loyalty tends to override show loyalty or genre loyalty, speculating that it was unlikely ABC soap refugees would jump to other soaps. While last week’s ratings largely prove them wrong, I’ll admit they aren’t totally wrong either. Most soap watchers I know have identified strongly with being ABC, CBS, or NBC soap fans. I haven’t watched All My Children in years, but I always had some idea what was going on over in Pine Valley based on previews or even just turning on the television early. Non ABC soaps were like a foreign planet I knew nothing about. But hey, I’m an adventurous girl. Beam me up, Bradley Bell.

So which show to watch? Ultimately, I wound up giving two shows a trial period, but we’re only going to talk about one in this post. I decided to start watching The Bold and the Beautiful for several reasons. 1) It’s only half an hour long and therefore less of a commitment. 2) Richard from the Soaps in Depth twitter feed had mentioned it was an easy one to get into because it has a smaller cast and usually fewer storylines at once. 3) Scott Clifton. Though in many ways he’ll always be Dillon from General Hospital to me, I find him very likeable on screen and off no matter who he’s playing. 4) Hillary B Smith who played Nora Hannen Gannon Buchanan on OLTL for many, many years was just offered a role on the show playing a sex therapist.

Wanting to really test out how hard it is to pick up a new soap (and because I don’t have that much time) I decided not to avail myself of any of the resources online to tell me the back story or who these people are. I’m just going with what I see on television.

How hard is this: As expected, it’s not that hard to figure out what’s going on. I’m sure I’m missing subtle nuances, and I’m missing that attachment to characters you get after watching a show for years, but I haven’t been lost.

First impressions: I think OLTL may have been the only soap on the air that didn’t have multiple characters involved in the fashion/cosmetics industry. Condescending much, television? You know we are interested in other things, right? Moving past that. There’s something unsatisfying about this show. It’s not just that it’s only half an hour, it seems to have an even higher percentage of time devoted to commercials than the ABC shows, but maybe that’s just perception.

If I have the storyline right: Dillon from GH is calling himself Liam and he’s married to sexy brunette Steffy but in love with abstinent blond Hope. He can’t leave his wife though, because she has a blood clot in her brain that could cause her a stroke if she gets stressed. Only she doesn’t. Liam’s dad falsified test results because he either really likes Steffy (possibly in an inappropriate way) or really dislikes Hope or both. He’s married to Katie who looks eerily like Kelly #3 from OLTL, only much prettier as a brunette than she was as a blond. Steffy has evidently done a lot of lying and manipulating, but is totes reformed and dedicated to her marriage. Hope is so devastated to have not gotten her man she’s considering throwing out her principles and everything she stands for (apparently she’s some sort of celebrity). Hope has a meddling mom. Who I think is married to Steffy’s dad. Steffy’s mom has a problem with too much collagen in her lips.

All hell breaks loose when the truth comes out about Steffy’s nonexistent blood clot. There’s lots of wailing and gnashing of teeth, but ultimately Liam realizes that since he was planning to leave Steffy before the blood clot, he should probably go ahead and do that. Elsewhere on the show there’s a crazy old lady with a Wayne Brady obsession and JR Chandler from AMC fresh from firing into a crowded room is doing something underhanded.

My thoughts: So many things I want to like about this show, and so few I do. I want to like Liam, but he spends entirely too much time looking tormented and playing with the feelings of both ladies. I want to like Hope for being a female on television who doesn’t sleep with every guy who looks at her twice. But she’s just kinda cloying and annoying. I kinda like Steffy except she was so freaking deluded about things working out with her and Liam. The older generation seems more childish than their children. And aspects of this show (read: the whole Wayne Brady thing) just seem a little silly. And not in a fun way.

Verdict: I’ll give them a little longer, but I’m far from hooked.

Well if Cammy gets to post about Downton Abbey when it’s her Sunday to post, I feel it’s only fair I can do the same. After all, I recommended the series to her. And my mind can be just as one tracked as hers.

As a friend of mine just posted on Facebook, this show will give me high blood pressure before all is said and done. Ay ay ay.

Isobel was annoying the crap out of me last week, but I can’t help but feel a little bad for her at the start of this one now that she has suddenly become redundant. Still, running off to France when there’s, you know, a war there, seems a bit extreme. And more than a bit passive aggressive. Who knew she was Southern?

I can’t quite make up my mind about Edith these days. She’s gone from object of pity to bitch to homewrecker to … almost too damn good to be likeable. Either she’s fickle or I am. But as Lady Violet would say, I’m a woman, so I’m allowed.

Lord Grantham seems to be playing the role I expected Bates to play this season—all frustrated and feeling useless.  I just want to hug him.

Mary… well she’s just so darn British and high class. I both love her for the stupid things she does and want to throttle her for them. But she’s growing, I guess.

Speaking of growing up… Sibyl. Let’s be honest about something. Sixteen year old me desperately wants to be Lady Sibyl. She lives in a big house, has fabulous clothes, gets to act morally superior and has an Irish revolutionary in love with her. She even has the cool mythological name. Come on! What more could you want? So… yes, I get why other people find her annoying. Sixteen year old me was rather annoying too. And sixteen year old me requires that I love her.

On the topic of Branson, I’m increasingly less certain of his death. William’s too. Not that I’m convinced either will survive at this point, but I’m mentally readjusting the odds.

Bates and Anna fill me with simultaneous squees and dread. Vera’s clearly not done yet.

I’m sure a lot of people are going to hate the little lapse into musical, but it filled me with joy like few moments on television have.  Can this show get any more delicious?

Somewhere along the way I developed the habit of inventing cocktails and desserts and naming them after fictional characters. I’ve made The Big Daddy Spencer (Psych), Aragorn brownies, Maddie Hayes ice cream, and a whole list of BSG inspired desserts which have previously been posted on this blog. I felt this tradition fitting to observe for the end of One Life to Live. To be honest, I have not test driven all of these. There’s only so much drinking a girl can do in a day or two.

The Rainbow’s End
1 oz vodka
1 oz white crème de cacao
3 oz orange peach mango juice (I would have just used orange juice, but this was what was in my fridge since it’s what was on sale this week)
drizzle of ginger syrup
splash of pomegranate syrup

Put the vodka, crème de cacao, juice, and ginger syrup in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake vigorously. Strain into a martini glass. Pour in the pomegranate syrup which should sink to the bottom. Don’t mix. It should have a pretty gradiated color like a tequila sunrise, but a very different taste.

My thought process: The first theme song I remember for OLTL started with a lyric about “Here’s where you go when you can’t find the rainbow’s end”—that was the main inspiration. Ginger is soothing, much like this show that has been there for us through the years. Pomegranate: the forbidden fruit–what could be more soapy. Vodka is really just there to be booze, I’m not going to lie. I added the crème de cacao because my rough draft of this one tasted a little too tropical. The juice is there as a carrier and something to contrast with the color of the pomegranate. (more…)

On Friday a show I have watched on and off for two-thirds of my life will air its final episode.  I’m still having a hard time wrapping my brain around it.  I’m trying hard not to spoil my enjoyment of the last couple weeks by focusing on how it’s being replaced by a reality show designed to profit from women’s low self-esteems.  I’m trying not to think about the fact that it will almost certainly end in a cliff hanger because it was supposed to migrate to the internet until that all got fucked up.

Instead I’m focusing on why I’ve loved the show so much.  And since there’s no one here to commiserate with me in person, you gentle readers, shall have to listen to it.  Here, in no particular order are some of my favorite things OLTL has given me/us over the years:

• Sassy black Mel. Okay, when I explain this one to you, you’re going to think, “That’s insane! Why is this on a list of good things.” You’ll just have to trust me, it was. It shouldn’t have been. It shouldn’t have worked, but bizarrely, it did. Back story: Sometime in the mid to late 90s Dorian, the grande diva of the show, was married to a man named Mel Hayes.  A wise cracking alcoholic he was a better match for Dorian than perhaps any of her other mates (she’s had a lot, it’s a soap opera). Well he died (maybe. I think it was one of those “we never found the body” soap deaths which can always be undone, except, of course, the show ends in five days). For the show’s 40^th anniversary they decided to bring him back as Dorian’s conscience; he convinced her that even she wasn’t evil enough to let her arch-frenemy Viki die. Evidently the plot device worked so well, TPTB decided to continue it. Only the actor was unavailable or too expensive or something, so they did the only logical thing: Have late middle-aged, Irish American male Mel Hayes played by a sassy young black woman. And strangely enough it worked. It was awesome. (Until they ruined it, but we’re being positive here).
• Shirtless David Fumero.  Yes, yes, it’s exploitative to have a man on the show just so he can take off his shirt regularly.  Deliciously exploitative.
• For that matter, Detective Price in the sauna. I will maintain till the end that if they had started inserting one scene of Max Tapper shirtless each week, we probably could have saved the show.
• Bo and Nora’s first wedding. Performed by Little Richard.
• Bo and Nora’s second wedding.  Which included tomato juice baths, hair dying accidents and a touch of happily ever after.
• Dorian’s clothes. When I am… more mature I’m going to turn Dorian Cramer Lord into my fashion icon.
• Asa’s funeral. No, not the real one, though it was also awesome. I’m talking about when Asa faked his death in 2001 and all his ex-wives showed up to his funeral.  It also was full of heart and inside jokes. Blair saying she was a completely different person when she married Asa (it’s funny because she was: At the time she married Asa, Blair was Asian, by the time this funeral took place she was a blonde with a southern accent.) And Natalie barging in in a red dress declaring herself to be Asa’s real granddaughter.  That is also good soap.
• A ret-conned history in which Bo Buchanan and Snoop Dog are friends from way back. Because it makes me happy.
• The line “I was shooting blanks, just like Kevin Buchanan.”
• The Killing Club Killer storyline.  The execution (poor word choice) wasn’t the greatest, but you have to love any time you have a serial killer story line where the villain turns out to be an evil literary agent. As if that wasn’t enough it gave us the beautifully soaptastic “I thought it was you!” scene between John and Natalie (after he thought she’d had her head shoved in a deep fat fryer. Seriously.) And it provided for the elimination of a bunch of obnoxious undergrads—which is sometimes a fantasy of mine. (That’s a joke, Big Brother)
• Roxy’s Fraternity Row fantasy sequence.  I know at least one of you happened to see this, but those of you who didn’t, if you ever watched the show at all, you must find this on YouTube, because it was that awesome.  Full of inside jokes, but still generally funny enough you didn’t have to get them all.  And it took me from literally laughing out loud to kicking me hard in the shins and making me cry in the final moments. That’s good soap.

I could sit here all night and the list would keep growing.  But I have to teach in the morning.  If any of you have favorite moments, feel free to share in the comments.

Yesterday was the last new episode broadcast on television of All My Children.  Though I have resisted the urge to turn this blog in o one all about ABC and its soap cancellations I thought the occasion deserved marking.

Before we get to the heart of the matter, to update you all on where things stand: Prospect Park has purchased the rights to All My Children and One Life to Live.  As of now the plan is for both shows to return in January as internet broadcasts.  Details are extremely sparse at the moment, but Prospect Park has reiterated several times their desire to maintain the high quality of the shows.  Rumor has it they are trying to resell to other networks such as Bravo.  They are currently in negotiations with actors.  Frank Valentini, OLTL’s Executive Producer who is famed for budget miracles has signed on with a title that is something like Head of Serialized Dramas.  Brian Frons, head of ABC daytime, continues to be an idiotic, misogynistic jackass.  My hate for him has grown to such levels that I will no longer allow Cammy to accept the blame for the Spanish Inquisition because it is clearly Mr. Frons’s fault.  Also the hot air coming out of his mouth and ass are what is melting the polar ice caps.  And the last name he was born with was Rochester.

But this post is not about how Brian Frons blows goats.

It’s about the fact that All My Children holds a very special place in my heart, and I am sad to see it go.

AMC reminds me of watching with my mom when I was home sick from school.

It reminds me of playing on the floor while my Mom folded laundry or sewed or did something else while watching.

I’m fairly certain, looking back, that the first time I was ever really a “shipper” for a couple it was Hayley and Charlie.

And the fact that, mock it if you must, the show has made major contributions to the history of American television.

AMC began by making the Vietnam War a central issue, when virtually no one dared even acknowledge it on television.  It was the first show in America to have a female character have a legal abortion.  It had a heterosexual female character with AIDS in an era where many people still called the disease “gay cancer.”  It wrote an actress’s facelift into the script so that it could deal with the issue of plastic surgery and all its implications decades before Nip/Tuck.  It gave daytime television its first (and sadly, one of very few) black supercouple.   It’s also been ahead of its time in its depictions of anorexia, homosexuality, drug addiction…

And on Monday, instead, we will have a show telling us such revolutionary things as, “hand towels can be used as napkins if your friends are slobs” and “fresher food tastes better.”  (Who knew?)

I’m hoping that AMC and its sister show will continue to blaze new trails, but regardless, I wanted to take this moment to remember.

Would we drink coffee with Agnes Nixon?

Kristy: Most definitely.  My mother watched All My Children my entire childhood and I have lots of memories of watching with her.  And I’ve watched One Life to Live on and off sine 1996.  For years of entertainment I owe the woman a cup of coffee.  But there’s even more to it.  Agnes has always been ahead of her time:  She created the fictional town of Llanview, PA way back in 1968 and peopled it with Jews, Blacks, and *gasp* Poles!  If that last one seems silly to you, do a quick tally of all the Polish-American characters currently on television.  The woman’s still ahead of her time.  Add to that she was talking about the importance of pap smears on Guiding Light in 1962 when you couldn’t say the word (or “uterus” or “cancer”) on television.  And the first legal abortion on an American television show (I choose not to acknowledge the retconned unabortion from 2006 because while I didn’t watch, I hear it was awful and not Agnes’s fault).  And making Erica Kane’s daughter a lesbian in 2000.  Mock soap opera’s as irrelevant trash all you want; modern television and American society in general owe this woman a hell of a lot.

On top of all of this, I find the woman adorable and charming.  And I am still hopping mad with the Douche-bags in charge at ABC for the way they have treated her in recent years.  So yeah, I’m buying this woman a cup of coffee.  And hopefully while we drink she’ll share some stories.  Because she’s seen a lot of television history (I don’t think it should be overlooked that female headwriters are still a rarity in television and this woman was doing it fifty years ago.)  You know she’s got a tale or two to tell.  And yeah, I want to commiserate with her about the premature cancellation of her babies.  And maybe, if she’ll let me, give her a hug.

Cammy: While I know less than a quarter of what Kristy does about soaps, and I don’t have the kind of passion about the genre that only an awesomely true fan can have–I’m there.  I, too, have childhood memories of All My Children, so that alone makes me willing to join in.  And I have oodles of respect for Agnes for having tackled the kinds of topics she did (and I so totally didn’t know she had Poles.  Rock.  On.)  And more than that?  I give her mad props for the volume of writing for which she is responsible (either directly or indirectly).  When you consider the amount of written content in long running soaps like AMC and GL…..it boggles the mind.  I can only imagine the tales of last-minute rewrites this woman must have….for this (and to see Kristy get in a fantastic fan-moment), coffee is most definitely in order.

It’s becoming clearer and clearer that US run television stations are not interested in even trying to keep daytime dramas alive.  Prime time is full of soap opera-y shows but if I may say so, many of them are… what’s the word… appallingly bad.  Which means that the one place left for us to turn is the delicious world of telenovelas.  Fortunately, it is an extremely delicious world.  As I once explained to a friend–Latin cheese is spicier.  And doesn’t mess around with any of that low-fat crap.

But even though the word “telenovela” is generally translated “soap opera” they aren’t exactly the same.  If you’re going to dive into this strange new world there are some things you should know.  Don’t worry, It’s My TV, It’s My Peanut Butter is here to help.

Before we go further let me admit upfront some of this information is dated.  I live in a horrible, horrible place where the only Spanish language channel you can get without paying exorbitant extra monthly fees is Gol TV.  So I haven’t been able to watch telenovelas in several years.  Fortunately Telemundo is apparently looking at increasing their online offerings, so there may be hope for me.

“But wait, Kristy!” you say, “Grande problemo!  I don’t speak Spanish!”  First of all, it’s “problema.”  Second of all, you should learn Spanish.  If for no other reason than being able to act superior and say, “You know, Shakira’s Spanish language stuff was soooo much better.”  Third of all, no hay problema.  You don’t really need to know Spanish.  You can figure out the gist of things without it.    And you can still enjoy the hot shirtless men.  Did I mention the hot shirtless men?  Why are you not watching these already?  But to help you out, here are a few key Spanish words and phrases that they might not have taught you in high school Spanish, but which are important for understanding telenovelas:

“engañar” “to deceive” In telenovelas a lot of people get engañado.  It’s usually key to the plot.  This word may often be used as a euphemism for “cheated on.”

“cualquiera”  One of my favorites though it sadly seems to be falling out of favor.  Literally it means “whatever” but in this form it’s usually used to refer to a woman.  A woman who is something so low you don’t even want to say it.  Because the word probably wouldn’t get past the censors.  Example:  Me engañaste con esa… cualquiera! (You deceived me with that… whatever!)

“amante” “Lover”  Don’t think I need to explain why this one is important.

“La SIDA” “AIDS”  Back in 2000 every Peruvian telenovela I saw had at least one character who contracted AIDS.  That plotline seems to have fallen by the wayside, probably because it interferes too much with the sexypants times.

“de época” This is a term used to describe a certain variety of novelas that take place in a different historical era.  They are their own brand of scrumptious.

“mujer decente” A woman of upstanding moral character.  Often our heroine is una mujer decente, but this is less of an absolute than it once was.

“Un trago fácil” Literally “an easy drink.”  Here it means metaphorically the opposite of “Una mujer decente.”

“casa chica”  The place where a man keeps his mistress and her kids.  Keep in mind that last time I checked a man in Mexico could put his mistress and her kids on his health insurance policy.  Casa chicas are an institution.

Okay… other things you need to know.

1.  Telenovelas tell one story.  One horribly convoluted story, but like a novel, they have a beginning, middle and an end.  They are by design finite and rarely last more than a year.

2.  Because telenovelas tell only one story, sometimes it’s expedient to skip ahead twenty years.  They do not recast the adult characters with older versions, so don’t question why said characters have aged remarkably well.  Usually shows are kind enough to give you some visual cue that the characters have aged:  men may grow or lose facial hair, women may straighten their hair or start wearing it up.

3.  Sometimes one character in the middle of a large family will be obviously Eastern European.  No, this is not a sign that she (it’s usually a she) is the child of a Russian milkman.  You are simply meant to accept this.  I’m quite certain this is somehow Trotsky’s fault.

4.  The maid generally knows everything.  For this reason the “nice” characters are usually smart enough to befriend said maids.  The “bad” characters are usually dismissive of them.  Fools.

5.  Do NOT over think the costuming in novelas de época. You’re supposed to be having fun not commenting that a certain style of petticoat didn’t become fashionable till twenty years later.  The most amusing thing about the costuming is that characters only wear period style undergarments when that is all they’re wearing.  So get used to seeing our heroine wearing some 19^th century gown, clearly not wearing a corset, then suddenly wearing nothing but a corset.

6.  Telenovela theme songs are frequently earworms.  Sometimes they are better than the novela itself.  (See:  Vias del amor)

7.  The same telenovelas are frequently remade between different countries.  The first telenovela I really followed, Cuando seas mía was a Mexican remake of a Columbian telenovela Café con el olor de mujer.  (Best title ever!)

8.  It was not so long ago that the “good” girl on telenovelas did not have sex before marriage.  That’s less and less the case, but it’s still considered “bad” for a girl to have premarital sex.  Said rule doesn’t apply so much to the menfolk.  But more and more we seem to be getting the “bad girl” heroines who start off skanky then become one man women.

9.  You can wear a micro-mini skirt and still be a good girl.  You can sometimes show cleavage without sacrificing your virtue.  But if a woman wears shorts she is clearly a slut.

10.  If you watch American soaps you’re familiar with the powerful, rich, patriarch stock character.  The Asa Buchanans, the Palmer Courtlands, the Adam Chandlers (let’s have a moment of silence for them).  These guys still exist in telenovelas, but they have a stock female counterpart.  The power/money hungry matriarch.  She usually has an emasculated husband.  She is frequently evil.

11.  All women want babies.  If a woman does not want babies it is either because she is bad or because she is confused and doesn’t realize she desperately wants babies.

12.  Mexican men always have sex with their secretaries.  Clearly this statement is not entirely true, but keep that in mind when the woman constantly gives her husband’s secretary the stink eye.

13.  American or English men are almost always somewhat effeminate.  Live with it.

14.  Telenovelas make more of an effort to appeal to men than American soaps.   The downside of this is fewer women with an achievable, girl-next-door look.  The upside is they still have plenty of super hot shirtless men.

15.  Ranching in Mexico seems to consist of men riding around shirtless on horseback a lot.  I would totally live on a ranch in Mexico if I lived in a telenovela.

16.  Death is slightly more permanent in telenovelas than it is in soap operas or comic books, but only slightly.  And keep in mind, even if the hot guy dies in the first episode, he can still come back as his ambiguously evil secret agent identical twin.  When he does he will probably have a goatee so you know about his moral ambiguity.

17.  In the end, things will almost always end up the way they should.  Evil will be punished, good will be rewarded, and the girl will get the boy.

This post was originally going to be titled “When You Can’t Find the Rainbow’s End” and it was going to be a tribute/en memoriam to One Life to Live which, as was announced Thursday, will be going off the air in January.  I imagine that post will appear eventually.  But I’m not up to writing it yet.

For a while now being a OLTL fan has been a bit like having a family member or friend with a terminal illness; you know the end is coming, but you still hold out hope for a miracle.  After 43 years it seems the show is out of miracles.  I thought I would cry.  I still think I will eventually.  But I haven’t yet.  Wanna know why?

Because right now I’m too pissed off.

It’s not just because they canceled my show.  That makes me sad, but like I said, I knew it was a matter of time.  And I’m enough of a realist to know that television networks are businesses and they’re going to make their decisions based on money not emotional attachments.   What makes me mad is the way the whole thing has been handled.

Rumors of the impending cancellations have been really loud for the past several weeks (All My Children is going off the air in September).  According to what I’m hearing the decision to cancel AMC was made weeks ago while the final decision to cut OLTL was made last week.  The network knew about these decisions.  And yet, rather than responding to the rumors with the truth they threw out red herrings; AMC was getting a new, great head writer.   Roger Howarth (original Todd) would be returning to OLTL.  Granted, many fans were skeptical and saw these announcements as confirmation of the end rather than denial.  But that wasn’t how ABC tried to spin it.

Okay, fine, ABC wanted to control the story and announce when they were ready.  I think they should have done it sooner, but whatever.  I can handle their desire to issue the release in their own time.  Except they didn’t.  Instead they buried the news in a press release announcing the new shows which will be bumping the soaps out of their timeslots.  After four decades the alphabet network didn’t even think the ends of these shows deserved top billing in their own announcement.  Bastards.  Cat Hickland (former Lindsey, OLTL) tweeted that it was like your husband coming to you and saying he didn’t want to stay married, “But you’re going to love my new girlfriend.”  It’s actually more like your husband coming home one day and gushing about this new woman he’s in love with then saying, “By the way—obviously this means we’re over.”  Bastards.

And if I’m pissed about how the audience was told I’m even more pissed about how those who worked on the shows were told.  Robin Strasser who’s played Dorian on OLTL for the better part of four decades found out from a reporter; best I can tell she wasn’t at work the day the news broke so she didn’t get told with the rest of the cast.  I’ve heard the rest of the cast found out only shortly before the announcement was officially made.  I realize that the network was probably concerned that if they told the cast and crew someone would leak it before the official announcement.  What the fuck ever.  It was already being leaked all over the place; act like human beings for about twenty seconds, that’s all I ask.

But what’s really, really pissing me off is Brian Frons, head of ABC Daytime.  In the midst of talking up his new shows and how they’re exactly what the audience wants (more on those shows in a minute) he’s been cavalier.  He’s been making jokes about the cancellations.  Yes, Brian.  Hundreds of people just lost their jobs because of a decision you made.  That’s hysterical!  Imagine someone who ran any sort of manufacturing business announcing the closing of a major plant resulting in major layoffs and joking about it.  ABC needs to get this man away from the media stat.  He joked about preemptively joining the witness protection program.  Oh Brian, soap fans don’t want you dead.  They want you to live long enough to see your new shows fail and your network run into the ground by your decisions.  They want to see the day you find out from a reporter that you have lost your job.  And they want to laugh.

They may also want to saran wrap your car on a very hot day, but that’s another story.  (Please note:  It’s My TV, It’s My Peanut Butter does not advocate vandalism of anyone’s property.  Not even the property of rat sucking asswipes like Brian Frons.)

Then there are the condescending comments from Mr. Frons.  There isn’t interest in the shows anymore.  But One Life to Live trended on Twitter worldwide all day Thursday and into the wee hours of Friday morning.  There isn’t an audience for soaps.  Coming on the heels of Univision announcing a 24 hour telenovela network, that sounds a bit idiotic.  I think the problem, Brian, is there is not an audience for your soaps.  Because you did everything possible to drive them into the ground.

Then he tells us that the new shows are exactly what his audience wants.  Let’s consider them briefly.  AMC will be replaced by The Chew.  No, I didn’t make that name up.  And strangely, the show is apparently not about tobacco, no matter what the name suggests.  It’s like The View but it’s all about food.  I love food, I even like a couple of the cast members, and I still think it’s the most idiotic idea for a knock off show since I found out Animal Planet had a Ghost Hunters knock off which was basically, “People who live in haunted houses and have pets.”  Well if that idea’s stupid (and the name downright revolting) OLTL’s replacement is downright offensive.  It will be The Revolution a show about health and lifestyle transformations by the same people who brought us The Biggest Loser and Extreme Makeover:  Weight loss Edition.  Translation:  It’s a weight loss show.  Each week will show one woman’s five month weight loss journey.  Translation:  they are replacing a long running show targeted at women with one that will prey on women’s insecurities and tell us everything that’s wrong with our bodies.  Gee Brian, I didn’t know you were such an advocate for eating disorders.  Why don’t you just call the show “Your friend Ana.”

You know, I think I’d be less mad if he’d just be upfront and say, “We realize these new shows won’t get great ratings, or make for good television, but they’ll be so cheap to produce we don’t care.”

And in one final asinine comment, when asked what message General Hospital fans should take from their show being the last ABC soap left, Brian said that as long as GH had good ratings it was safe.  Last week OLTL had better ratings than GH.  Translation:  GH cast should invest in current headshots.

In my day I’ve seen a lot of beloved shows canceled before their time, but I’ve never seen in handled this badly.  I have never in my life campaigned for anyone to be fired, but starting in January I will boycott all ABC shows until I hear that Brian Frons has lost his job.