It's My TV….It's My Peanut Butter

So for part II of my changing the channel adventure, I decided to check out Days of our Lives. I didn’t really have much of a concrete reason for choosing this one other than the online buzz for the show at this point seems fairly decent.

I didn’t have any trouble figuring out what was going on. For the most part (more on this later). Just like in stereotypes they do a good enough job of working exposition into scenes that it’s easy enough to catch up. Even though there’s major plotline that seems to be referencing some deep history.

Over all, I’m digging the show a bit more than B&B (which annoys me since it’s twice as long). There are things I definitely like about it. I like that they’ve spent a lot of time dealing with the friendship dynamics between Abigail and Melanie. Abigail kind of grates on my nerves, but the big issue is that television usually gets so swept up in couple swapping that they forget to include non-sexual friendships. And friendships can be just as compelling dramatically. I loved watching Melanie listen to Abbey’s whole story about sleeping with her married professor boss. You could see Melanie thinking that her friend was crazy and stupid and yet trying to still be a good friend. A lot of us have been there. It was a nice touch of reality.

Other things I like: EJ is a wonderful villain. Smarmy and smug. Devious. But he’s also multifaceted—seems to actually have some sort of a heart and feelings etc. I was blindsided by the revelation that EJ and Sami had slept together (this is a big deal because they’re both married to other people) because ordinarily on soaps when people have secrets they talk about them constantly, loudly, in public locations. I’m amazed that the show enabled me to be surprised. Nicely done. On the other hand, I wasn’t entertained by Sami’s husband Rafe making out with her sister Carrie because they kept building and building to it, yet I don’t really see any chemistry between the two. I’m also incredibly sick of listening to Sami yell at people about it. I hate when television shows do this thing where they have characters have the same conversation over and over again and it goes nowhere. Oops, this was supposed to be the things I liked. I like Will. By which I mean Will is an obnoxious little punk, but that’s an accurate portrayal of a young man in his late teens/early 20s. Particularly one simultaneously struggling with being in the closet and knowing his mother cheated on the step-father he really likes with the ex-step-father he hates. I liked the corporate espionage storyline with Sami and Madison, particularly in the way it made it clear that people around the two women would not have been so upset out of similar behavior by men. Nice. I like that the professor sleeping with the student subplot didn’t go with the standard seductive teacher but when with the kinda psycho undergrad. (By the way, since you may not be watching, they didn’t actually sleep together, she’s just convinced him they did. He was actually too drunk to stay conscious that long).

Things I dislike: Stefano is simultaneously too much of a cartoon villain and not enough of a cartoon villain. It’s hard to do a fleshed out caricature, and they aren’t pulling it off. I’m not entertained by this whole subplot where Hope (who thinks she’s married to Bo) is actually married to John (who thinks he’s married to Marlena). I don’t care. I don’t get why they care so much. I just want it over. I don’t like the whole election storyline because I’m clearly supposed to be rooting for Abe, but I can’t get past is unethical behavior (he let someone give him the debate questions ahead of time while slipping his opponent fake debate questions). His whole logic that his opponent (the aforementioned EJ) was dirty and so he had to sink down to fight him at that level didn’t convince me. Nor did his desperation that EJ would do horrible things as mayor. Seriously, he’d just be mayor. Too my knowledge that doesn’t come with missile codes or anything. How badly could he screw things up in one term? I was relieved when Abe’s wife finally pointed that out to him, but not relieved enough to like this storyline.

So over all, I’m definitely liking it more that Bold and the Beautiful. But I’m not loving it. I’m not invested in it. When my DVR crashed and erased an episode I wasn’t that upset. I didn’t even go watch it online. Maybe investment takes time. I had half a lifetime invested in OLTL and I don’t expect to feel that for any other show any time soon. But I’m still trying to support scripted drama where I can. And I’ll admit I’ve been thrilled to see ratings for all the non-ABC soaps increasing while the ratings for ABC’s new reality show nosedive into the toilet.

Well if Cammy gets to post about Downton Abbey when it’s her Sunday to post, I feel it’s only fair I can do the same. After all, I recommended the series to her. And my mind can be just as one tracked as hers.

As a friend of mine just posted on Facebook, this show will give me high blood pressure before all is said and done. Ay ay ay.

Isobel was annoying the crap out of me last week, but I can’t help but feel a little bad for her at the start of this one now that she has suddenly become redundant. Still, running off to France when there’s, you know, a war there, seems a bit extreme. And more than a bit passive aggressive. Who knew she was Southern?

I can’t quite make up my mind about Edith these days. She’s gone from object of pity to bitch to homewrecker to … almost too damn good to be likeable. Either she’s fickle or I am. But as Lady Violet would say, I’m a woman, so I’m allowed.

Lord Grantham seems to be playing the role I expected Bates to play this season—all frustrated and feeling useless.  I just want to hug him.

Mary… well she’s just so darn British and high class. I both love her for the stupid things she does and want to throttle her for them. But she’s growing, I guess.

Speaking of growing up… Sibyl. Let’s be honest about something. Sixteen year old me desperately wants to be Lady Sibyl. She lives in a big house, has fabulous clothes, gets to act morally superior and has an Irish revolutionary in love with her. She even has the cool mythological name. Come on! What more could you want? So… yes, I get why other people find her annoying. Sixteen year old me was rather annoying too. And sixteen year old me requires that I love her.

On the topic of Branson, I’m increasingly less certain of his death. William’s too. Not that I’m convinced either will survive at this point, but I’m mentally readjusting the odds.

Bates and Anna fill me with simultaneous squees and dread. Vera’s clearly not done yet.

I’m sure a lot of people are going to hate the little lapse into musical, but it filled me with joy like few moments on television have.  Can this show get any more delicious?

Kristy: We realize that the second season (or should I say “series”–is that “correct” or just pretentious?) of Downton Abbey has already aired in the UK and that many of our readers have likely watched it online through somewhat illegal means, but we had talked about this feature a while back and decided we wanted to go with it. The idea is to place odds on the characters that we love (or love to hate) surviving this year on our delicious British confection.

I have done my best to avoid spoilers for the second season–I did happen upon a description of the Christmas special which makes it clear that at least two characters survive until then, but they weren’t characters I ever considered likely to perish anyway.  I also had a dream where I was talking to friend of the blog Christina and her lovely wife. In the dream they and I lamented the fact that the show had killed Henry.  Now I have no clue who Henry is, but on at least one occasion in my life I have managed to dream eerily accurate spoilers for a show, so I thought I’d go ahead and mention it in case Henry actually exists.

Cammy: For the record, in the event that Downton Abbey does manage to introduce a character named Henry this season, and if he also dies this season, I will see to it that Kristy gets an awesome prize for her powers of prognostication.

Moving on…

Robert

Kristy:  Well… anytime a story hinges on who will inherit an estate, you have to suspect that the current owner may pass away before all is said and done.  But aside from that I see no major black clouds hanging over his head, narratively speaking.  If he does die I would expect it to be very close to the end of the season.  Death odds: 1:4

Cammy: I second this.  I think it’s more than likely that Lord Grantham will stick around safely for the entire season–and probably into the next.

Lady Violet

Kristy:  Well… she’s old.  that alone raises her odds.  But she’s a tough old bird. Death odds: 1:10

Cammy: I’d put that at even better odds for the gal: 1:200.  This gal will outlive them all–and be highly displeased when she’s been left alone.

Bates

Kristy: I’m fairly certain he will live, if for no other reason than so that he can feel guilty over his inability to go to war.  Death odds: 1:100

Cammy: Second this call.  Not only will he have guilt over his inability to go to war, he’s got all that other seemingly needless guilt he’s been toting around.  That said, if he can find a way to get himself to the front lines, he will get his ass killed trying to spare someone else in some kind of karmic payment plan, however due to the low odds of his finding a way to the front lines, I think he’s safe at that 1:100.

O’Brien

Kristy: If she dies the only way I see it happening is at her own hands. Woman is (for good reason) carrying some serious guilt. Not sure I see that as very likely, but wouldn’t rule it out.  Death odds: 1:10

Cammy: Disagree in part here.  While I agree that the only way it would happen is at her own hands, I really don’t think the odds of her having the guts to do it are 1:10.  I’m putting her at 1:50.

Thomas

Cammy:  While it would make me no end of happy to have Thomas shuffle loose the mortal coil, his close kinship to cockroaches makes it sadly unlikely that he will bite it.  No, he’ll be lingering around to make others miserable for a while yet.  Right up to the point where it’s just him and Lady Violet.   At which point, she will destroy him with her masterful Dowager Countess Superpowers of nagging and insults. 1:1000

Kristy: As Cammy said, he’s a cockroach.  I’m nearly certain he’ll pull through. Death odds: 1:1000

William

Cammy:  This poor boy has “Ensign Ricky” written all over him.  Thomas had it right when he called this poor kid “cannon fodder.”  Odds 1:2

Kristy:  Again, to cite Cammy, the boy might as well be wearing red shirt.  It’s gonna break my heart, but things don’t look good for him. Death odds: 1:2

Branson

Kristy: Let’s be clear: if this were an American television show, I’d picture a happy ending for him and Sibyl. One where they overcome the strong objections of her family (and possibly his) and a multitude of social morays. But this show is British, and they realize that class and ethnic differences are not always so easily overcome. I hear “Irish nationalist” and “WWI” and I think “Easter Monday Rebellion.”  Which, more or less, makes him a goner.  Though I’m not ruling out a storyline where he deserts, refusing to serve in the British army, and Sibyl winds up hiding him somewhere.  Death odds: 1:3

Cammy: I’ll second this one, although I think we can blame as much of his potential demise on Sybil as on his Irish Radical origins.  Since Sybil is left out of the dirty war going on between her older sisters, she doesn’t have enough pure “suck” in her life.  It’s time for a bit of misery to greet the youngest daughter.

Sibyl

Kristy: She’s the only one of the Crawley girls I’m really worried about.  It’s way to easy to see her doing something brave but stupid and winding up dead.  Death odds: 1:6

Cammy:  Not sure I’d put it at quite 1:6, maybe 1:10, but I certainly agree with Kristy that she’s the Crawley girl to worry about, particularly if she has to deal with Branson kicking the bucket.

Anna

Cammy:  I’m kinda worried about this girl.  For one thing, I’m not entirely sure she’s not going to get thrown under the bus when someone finally tries to claim that Mr. Pamook’s death was murder.  That said, I somehow doubt this will wind up happening and if it does, I don’t know if they could manage and entire investigation, arrest, conviction, sentencing and execution in this one season, so she’s probably still pretty safe. 1:15

Old Mr. Mosely

Cammy:  Okay, this is another one that is solely me.  And it will never be proven, but I’m 100 percent sure that Old Mr. Mosely will die. He has nothing left to live for after winning that flower show.  It’s all done.  Of course, since we haven’t seen him since the flower show and I’m just as sure we’ll never see him on-screen again, there’s no way to prove that he’s not 6 feet under.  How sure am I?  Sure enough that if he DOES show up onscreen again, I will dye my hair.

Kristy: Everyone else (with the exception of some minor characters here and there) I feel fairly confident will pull through.  I was worried about Gwen, but I’m not sure she even appears in this season. If Joss Whedon were writing this, she’d be killed in a bombing a week after starting her dream job. But thankfully he isn’t. And this is a period drama, not Lost so they can’t kill everyone.

A couple years back I wrote something for a different blogging site stating that for the first time in a long time I had hope for television.  It just so happened that year there were a lot of creative shows with great concepts or writing that had me excited to watch them on a weekly basis.  I thought great storytelling was gaining ground back from reality television and it was such a relief.

Well, gentle and not-so-gentle readers I have to admit something: I was wrong. That hope I had back then?  Fairly diminished.  I’m not saying hope is gone; I believe somehow or another, someday we have to hit rock bottom and at that point entertainment, in whatever form it takes, will start elevating again. But at this moment… it’s not a pretty picture.

Of the shows I blogged about back then, the only one that’s still on the air is How I Met Your Mother.  I’m not going to climb on the bandwagon with a lot of people on the internet and say that the show has jumped the shark.  I think it’s still good.  I look forward to watching it every week.  Neil Patrick Harris  is still one of the most brilliant comedic actors ever and the show continues to bring the funny while occasionally kicking me in the shins with a sad moment.  Here’s the problem: One of the things I like most about the show, the storytelling frame, has become a trap. I think the writers are afraid that the day Ted meets the mother of his children the show is over.  My advice to them?  It doesn’t have to be.  Come on, you really don’t think Ted has more stories to tell?  How he convinced her to go out with him.  How she convinced him to marry her.  How they decided to become parents.  I think it’s time we start telling at least one of these.

Now I must admit, for someone who says she’s losing hope in the genre, I watch a lot of television.  There are other shows I like.  There just aren’t a lot I love.  The rundown:

One Life to Live.  Okay, actually, OLTL is great.  Best it’s been in years.  I’m excited to watch it every day.  Why it’s making me lose hope?  Oh yeah, because it’s going off the air in a month.  To be replaced by yet another show telling women that if we lose weight and wear different clothes everything that’s wrong with our lives will disappear.  (And because Brian Frons has still not been fired.  Oh yes, I’m still bitter.)

General Hospital. At the moment this show is not just bad, it’s offensively bad, but it’s still in my DVR because I feel like I need to support the few remaining daytime dramas while I can.  (I’m not in the least concerned it will be around next year to suck)

Castle.  I like Castle.  But the only thing that separates it from hundreds of other procedurals is Nathan Fillion.  And as Richard Castle has become slightly more tortured in the past season, he’s lost a little of his energy.  I’m not saying the character shouldn’t evolve, I’m just saying… as a whole, the show is not nearly good enough to make me break my ABC boycott starting in January.

Ringer.  I really want to like this show.  It has actors I like and my old roommate’s names, but… it’s about one hectic week away from being taken off my DVR.  There’s a difference between building suspense and just not telling the story and with regards to the real Siobhan, I don’t think this show knows that.  Also… I like Sarah Michelle Gellar just fine, but she’s not doing enough to delineate her portrayals of the two sisters.

Glee.  Again it’s a like, but not as much as I want to kind of thing.  The weird thing is, it’s the closest depiction of high school as I actually experienced it that I’ve ever seen.  Yes, including the singing.  This show is good at bringing the funny, I’m just not invested emotionally in many of the characters.  I will be interested to see what happens when a lot of the cast “graduates” at the end of this year.  Can the pull off a Degrassi style slow transition?  I’m curious enough to stay tuned, but if I miss an episode, I don’t freak out.

Psych.  Okay, weirdly, if anything is giving me hope on television it’s this show.  Not that it’s that amazingly well done, but they’ve managed to take the procedural format (which as a general rule I dislike) and make me enjoy it.  They also continue to bring the funny.  But most impressively, they’ve let the characters and their relationships evolve (and let Shawn and Juliet get together) and it hasn’t ruined anything.  My only concern is the recent obsession with big name guest stars.  Some are great, but I feel like it indicates they don’t think the regular characters are enough to sell it, and they’re wrong.

Bones.  I dunno.  I like that Booth and Brennan are together and still have drama.  I like that Hodgins and Angela are together.  I just… feel like the show is becoming a little too formulaic in its episode style.  Way too many of them are defaulting to the Law and Order standby of “people doing random thing find gross body, they freak out, cut to our investigators.”  They’ve always used this, but it just feels like they’re using it more and more.  I still like it, but I’m not as excited about it as I once was.

Grimm.  My mother’s friends convinced me to give it a little longer trial.  I want to support fairy tale inspired shows it’s just… there’s nothing new about this show.  I stand by my initial assessment that it’s Angel with less funny and a less charismatic cast.  Honestly, there’s only one character who interests me at all and he’s our domesticated Big Bad Wolf.  Even the villains aren’t fun to hate.  They’re just… meh.  And at the end of the day, it’s just a procedural with a twist.  Which isn’t even a well executed twist.  Also… it’s a little rapey.

Fringe. I was really excited for this season to start.  And I’m excited for it to come back from hiatus.  I like a lot of things about this show—genuinely creative plots, characters I care about, good acting and dialogue, plus it brings the right amount of funny.  But I’m starting to have concerns that recent plot twists are kind of just JJ Abrams being weird because he can be, not because it pertains to the overall integrity of the story.

Once Upon a Time.  Okay, I figured out why I like this show.  Because I like when shows do alternate reality episodes, and essentially, this show is a giant alternate reality episode.  So it’s fun.  But again, I’m not invested.  I don’t care if Snow White gets her prince back.  I don’t care if we “bring back the happy endings.”  I enjoy watching it, but again, it’s not going to be worth violating my ABC boycott come January.

So yeah… it’s not that television is all bad.  It’s just… I’m not seeing things going in positively creative directions.  There are a lot of things I like—there just isn’t a lot I love.  And given I’m a broke graduate student it’s the kind of thing that makes you wonder whether that cable bill is actually worth it… Am I missing something, readers?  Is there great television out there somewhere I’m missing?

I’m fairly certain I’ve mentioned before that when I’m really depressed my go-to cheer-up movies are Ten Things I Hate About You and Knight’s Tale.  Well I discovered this week that when I’m in a crunchy, mad at the world mood, what I need to watch is Veronica Mars Season 1.

It’s possible that other seasons of Veronica Mars work as well; I haven’t checked.  And I guess it’s not that surprising. Who doesn’t watch this show and want to be the bad ass that Veronica is.  Obviously, I don’t want her life, what with the deadbeat mom and the dead friend and all that.  But man, I would love to be able to pull some kind of video swap that incriminates the cop that gave me a parking ticket this week and somehow or another gets me allies in a motorcycle gang.  Instead, I’m just going to pay the ticket and deal with it. (Since as far as I know said cop wasn’t a d-bag like Sheriff Lamb it wouldn’t have been as satisfying anyway.)

I also learned a valuable lesson: Don’t ever say “I’m going to watch one episode of Veronica Mars season one.  Because it won’t happen.  And next thing you know you’ll be up past 2am watching more  episodes until you’ve finished the whole dame season.

While we’re discussing important social issues on this blog, here’s another one which has been on my mind for a while:  Do spoilers have an expiration date?

Yesterday on that great voyeurism enabler Twitter I noticed a certain actor being scolded by the internet for dropping a spoiler for a television show he’s on.  For an episode that had already aired.  Now (I don’t watch this particular show) my understanding is the episode had just aired the night before and hadn’t aired in Canada yet.  And if it had been me, and I had been thinking about it, I wouldn’t’ have dropped said spoiler.  But I don’t think he did it deliberately and the show had already aired in the country in which it’s made, so I feel like the internet overreacted a little (shocking, I know).

It brought to mind a time several years ago when I was yelled at for spoiling the end of Farscape.  More than a year after the show ended.  I didn’t do it on purpose—I was unaware that there were two people in the room (who I wasn’t even talking to) who were in the process of working their way through the show.  If I had been, I wouldn’t have said it.  But it seems like, watching a show that long after it’s been broadcast, you should expect the possibility of being spoiled.

Maybe I just don’t understand because I’ve never been a purist in that regard.  I’m not someone who insists on watching television shows in order.  I don’t seek out spoilers, but I don’t get upset if they find me.  I used to have a policy of wanting to know if any characters died so I could emotionally prepare myself.  Battlestar Galactica cured me of that by letting me know there was no way to be emotionally prepared for what they were going to throw at me.  Sometimes I like to not be spoiled.  I started reading the Harry Potter books when the fifth book came out because I knew it was only a matter of time before one of my friends unintentionally spoiled the death in that book and I didn’t want it to happen.  (My plan had been to read them once they were all out so I didn’t have to wait for them anxiously like the rest of you suckers.)

But, for example, I’m currently working my way through Buffy the Vampire Slayer with some friends.  All of said friends have seen the show before, but not me.  But I know most of the major stuff that happens.  I know who dies, who gets involved, who breaks up, who loses/gains a soul.  Because I’ve had a lot of BTVS fans as friends and people say things.  Sometimes now when we’re watching someone will reference an upcoming episode then look at me guiltily, but I always assure them I don’t care.  This stuff is about a decade old, I think the spoilers are past their expiration date.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting we should ever deliberately spoil shows (or books) for people who don’t want them spoiled.  But I do think there’s a point at which you lose your right to get mad at someone who accidentally says something.  Let’s say a week after an episode has been broadcast?

And those who don’t want to be spoiled can also take reasonable precautions of their own.  For example, if I haven’t watched So You Think You Can Dance live (which I haven’t for several years) I’m careful on Twitter on Wednesday and Thursday nights.  It’s just practical.  If someone is to see the results and have a spontaneous reaction, I can’t blame them for doing so.  If I didn’t want to know, I shouldn’t be reading.

And don’t deliberately spoil things for people. That’s just douchey.

It’s becoming clearer and clearer that US run television stations are not interested in even trying to keep daytime dramas alive.  Prime time is full of soap opera-y shows but if I may say so, many of them are… what’s the word… appallingly bad.  Which means that the one place left for us to turn is the delicious world of telenovelas.  Fortunately, it is an extremely delicious world.  As I once explained to a friend–Latin cheese is spicier.  And doesn’t mess around with any of that low-fat crap.

But even though the word “telenovela” is generally translated “soap opera” they aren’t exactly the same.  If you’re going to dive into this strange new world there are some things you should know.  Don’t worry, It’s My TV, It’s My Peanut Butter is here to help.

Before we go further let me admit upfront some of this information is dated.  I live in a horrible, horrible place where the only Spanish language channel you can get without paying exorbitant extra monthly fees is Gol TV.  So I haven’t been able to watch telenovelas in several years.  Fortunately Telemundo is apparently looking at increasing their online offerings, so there may be hope for me.

“But wait, Kristy!” you say, “Grande problemo!  I don’t speak Spanish!”  First of all, it’s “problema.”  Second of all, you should learn Spanish.  If for no other reason than being able to act superior and say, “You know, Shakira’s Spanish language stuff was soooo much better.”  Third of all, no hay problema.  You don’t really need to know Spanish.  You can figure out the gist of things without it.    And you can still enjoy the hot shirtless men.  Did I mention the hot shirtless men?  Why are you not watching these already?  But to help you out, here are a few key Spanish words and phrases that they might not have taught you in high school Spanish, but which are important for understanding telenovelas:

“engañar” “to deceive” In telenovelas a lot of people get engañado.  It’s usually key to the plot.  This word may often be used as a euphemism for “cheated on.”

“cualquiera”  One of my favorites though it sadly seems to be falling out of favor.  Literally it means “whatever” but in this form it’s usually used to refer to a woman.  A woman who is something so low you don’t even want to say it.  Because the word probably wouldn’t get past the censors.  Example:  Me engañaste con esa… cualquiera! (You deceived me with that… whatever!)

“amante” “Lover”  Don’t think I need to explain why this one is important.

“La SIDA” “AIDS”  Back in 2000 every Peruvian telenovela I saw had at least one character who contracted AIDS.  That plotline seems to have fallen by the wayside, probably because it interferes too much with the sexypants times.

“de época” This is a term used to describe a certain variety of novelas that take place in a different historical era.  They are their own brand of scrumptious.

“mujer decente” A woman of upstanding moral character.  Often our heroine is una mujer decente, but this is less of an absolute than it once was.

“Un trago fácil” Literally “an easy drink.”  Here it means metaphorically the opposite of “Una mujer decente.”

“casa chica”  The place where a man keeps his mistress and her kids.  Keep in mind that last time I checked a man in Mexico could put his mistress and her kids on his health insurance policy.  Casa chicas are an institution.

Okay… other things you need to know.

1.  Telenovelas tell one story.  One horribly convoluted story, but like a novel, they have a beginning, middle and an end.  They are by design finite and rarely last more than a year.

2.  Because telenovelas tell only one story, sometimes it’s expedient to skip ahead twenty years.  They do not recast the adult characters with older versions, so don’t question why said characters have aged remarkably well.  Usually shows are kind enough to give you some visual cue that the characters have aged:  men may grow or lose facial hair, women may straighten their hair or start wearing it up.

3.  Sometimes one character in the middle of a large family will be obviously Eastern European.  No, this is not a sign that she (it’s usually a she) is the child of a Russian milkman.  You are simply meant to accept this.  I’m quite certain this is somehow Trotsky’s fault.

4.  The maid generally knows everything.  For this reason the “nice” characters are usually smart enough to befriend said maids.  The “bad” characters are usually dismissive of them.  Fools.

5.  Do NOT over think the costuming in novelas de época. You’re supposed to be having fun not commenting that a certain style of petticoat didn’t become fashionable till twenty years later.  The most amusing thing about the costuming is that characters only wear period style undergarments when that is all they’re wearing.  So get used to seeing our heroine wearing some 19^th century gown, clearly not wearing a corset, then suddenly wearing nothing but a corset.

6.  Telenovela theme songs are frequently earworms.  Sometimes they are better than the novela itself.  (See:  Vias del amor)

7.  The same telenovelas are frequently remade between different countries.  The first telenovela I really followed, Cuando seas mía was a Mexican remake of a Columbian telenovela Café con el olor de mujer.  (Best title ever!)

8.  It was not so long ago that the “good” girl on telenovelas did not have sex before marriage.  That’s less and less the case, but it’s still considered “bad” for a girl to have premarital sex.  Said rule doesn’t apply so much to the menfolk.  But more and more we seem to be getting the “bad girl” heroines who start off skanky then become one man women.

9.  You can wear a micro-mini skirt and still be a good girl.  You can sometimes show cleavage without sacrificing your virtue.  But if a woman wears shorts she is clearly a slut.

10.  If you watch American soaps you’re familiar with the powerful, rich, patriarch stock character.  The Asa Buchanans, the Palmer Courtlands, the Adam Chandlers (let’s have a moment of silence for them).  These guys still exist in telenovelas, but they have a stock female counterpart.  The power/money hungry matriarch.  She usually has an emasculated husband.  She is frequently evil.

11.  All women want babies.  If a woman does not want babies it is either because she is bad or because she is confused and doesn’t realize she desperately wants babies.

12.  Mexican men always have sex with their secretaries.  Clearly this statement is not entirely true, but keep that in mind when the woman constantly gives her husband’s secretary the stink eye.

13.  American or English men are almost always somewhat effeminate.  Live with it.

14.  Telenovelas make more of an effort to appeal to men than American soaps.   The downside of this is fewer women with an achievable, girl-next-door look.  The upside is they still have plenty of super hot shirtless men.

15.  Ranching in Mexico seems to consist of men riding around shirtless on horseback a lot.  I would totally live on a ranch in Mexico if I lived in a telenovela.

16.  Death is slightly more permanent in telenovelas than it is in soap operas or comic books, but only slightly.  And keep in mind, even if the hot guy dies in the first episode, he can still come back as his ambiguously evil secret agent identical twin.  When he does he will probably have a goatee so you know about his moral ambiguity.

17.  In the end, things will almost always end up the way they should.  Evil will be punished, good will be rewarded, and the girl will get the boy.

I like to pretend that I’m all unconventional and don’t get sucked in by the same trite things that suck other people in.  But at the end of the day, watching television, I’m as much a sucker for a good shipper worthy couple as the next fangirl.  I get all mushy over those big romantic scenes, just like everyone else.  Yes, I’m a cliché.

But there’s something a little more nebulous that I might love even more.  It’s those lines that are textually speaking not romantic at all, but in the right context, with the right actors and the right director just become pure shipper gold.  Here are my top three examples (in no particular order):

1.        “I’m thinking about getting a car.”  Shawn to Juliet, Psych Okay, so this one did happen in the middle of a big romantic scene.  But to anyone who’s ever watched the show, it never would have worked to have Shawn pouring out his feelings like a typical romantic lead.  Just wouldn’t have felt forced and awkward and deflated everything that made Shawn and Jules Shawn and Jules.  Instead we got Shawn talking about how much he loved his motorcycle, followed by this revelation about how spending time with Juliet had changed his priorities.  And fangirls all over went *Sigh*

2.       “I want you to have Morocco.”  Ethan to Kat, The Class.  I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that most of our readers have never heard of this short lived series.  Which is sad, because it was awesome.  The fact that Two and a Half Men evidently got better ratings than this show sort of encapsulates everything wrong with America for me.  Assuming you don’t have the time to track down the whole series on the interwebs so you can watch and realize why this line still makes me a little gushy:  Ethan and Kat were that couple that was clearly meant for each other and wouldn’t have figured that out until season three, shortly after which things would have gone stupidly wrong only to have them reunite just before the final episode.  Sadly the show ended on a season 1 cliffhanger so all we ever got was Ethan and Kat denying their feelings for each other and being bffs while each dated other people.  Kat (played by the delightful Lizzie Caplan) was a head case and a half who had just explained to Ethan that she had to dump her current boyfriend because he was talking about taking a trip to Morocco together in three months.  Kat explained to Ethan that as much as she wanted to go on that trip, she knew it would never last that long.  “Just because you want Morocco doesn’t mean you get Morocco.”  And that’s when Ethan gave her a pep talk which closed with this line.  Letting us all know exactly how much he wanted her to be happy.  Even if it wasn’t with him.  Aw!

3.       “If you were in an accident I wouldn’t stop for red lights.”  Donna to Josh, The West Wing Seriously, we got this beautiful moment in season 2 and it took these two till season 7 to work their shit out.  Seriously!  I have to confess I’m not sure I believe Donna stops for red lights on a regular basis anyway, but still… this moment was magic.  One of those times where two people make it so obvious that they totally love each other without a single real affectionate comment or discussing feelings at all.  Thank you Aaron Sorkin.  I still gratuitously rewind this one.

In case you haven’t heard (which is unlikely, being as I’ve been talking about it more than it actually warrants) I’m a Nielsen viewer.  Actually, as of today, I’m no longer a Nielsen viewer.  But I did a week long television diary for the people who determine your TV ratings.  Yep.  That’s right.  The power is all mine!  Er… was.

I’ll admit I’ve talked some snark about Nielsen in the past.  I believe I’ve gone so far as to say that in the day of programmable VCRs and DVRs and TIVO and Hulu their data is virtually meaningless.  Also they have historically underrepresented certain groups like college students, singles, low income families (read: me!)  So I was surprised to get the invite.  But while I was eating my words, it ate a bit of my time.

It was fairly simple; I just had to mark in every time my television, what I was watching, what channel.  The problem was, I know very little of that information.  Just about everything I watch is recorded on my DVR.  Which is programmed.  So I don’t know the channel; I certainly don’t know the station letters.  Which means I had to look it up.  Every time.  I guess in the end I’m glad my stint as a Nielsen viewer was short.

I will say to their credit, they did have me fill out all the info on prerecorded programs.  They even had spaces to fill out when the television was on and no one was watching.  And they gave me space to write down programs I normally watch that I just didn’t happen to watch this week.  I don’t know how the normal Nielsen boxes work, but I will say that based on the survey they do measure more than I thought they did.

And I get to be amused that my viewing habits might defy expectations.  Who knew 30 year old working single women with graduate degrees watched soap operas so much?

Note:  No film review from me this week.  Sadly, school has inhibited my Netflixing and I’ve run out of reviews.  How sad!  (for me, I doubt you care that much)  Anywhozel, we’ll talk television instead.

I wouldn’t call myself a mystery fan.  Not any kind of active hatred, I just don’t seek them out.  Don’t spend my free time reading them.  My mother has spent years trying to get me hooked on CSI and those type of shows (Mom loves mysteries), but I just can’t get into it.  Old Roommate Bridget used to watch some of those Law and Orders which actively freaked me out (I got her back by watching paranormal shows which evidently freak her out.)  (Off topic note:  Did you know that Animal Planet has a paranormal show now?  It’s basically “people who live in haunted houses and have pets.”  Even I have to admit this had gotten out of control.)

Anyway, long and short of it is, if you asked, I’d tell you I don’t watch mysteries on television.

Except I’d be lying.

I’ve just realized that three of the shows I’m currently following most closely are all mystery shows:  Castle, Psych, and Bones.  Hmm.  What’s that all about?

I don’t think I’m a particularly good mystery show viewer.  I don’t even try to figure out whodunit.  I don’t often care.  I just kind of sit there waiting for it to be spoon fed to me.  So why am I watching these shows?

Well, the first one’s easy.  I watch Castle for Nathan Fillion.  I have loved Nathan Fillion since his days on One Life to Live (best Joey Buchanan ever!) and a big part of my geek cred is tied up in the fact that I watched Firefly from the first episode.  There are other aspects of the show I enjoy (the familial relation between Castle, his mother and daughter is delightful), but it’s really all about Nathan Fillion.

As for Psych, it brings the funny.  In spades.  It’s got a great ensemble cast.  And I’m a sucker for an ensemble cast.  Also, the only theme music I can never make myself fast forward through.  It’s too much fun to bop along to.

I’m almost contractually obligated to watch Bones on account of it’s one of few television shows featuring anthropologists; as a folklorist I must support my cousin discipline.  Also, the whole ensemble thing again.  Also, Hodgins.  Who sometimes takes off his shirt .  And makes orgasmic grilled cheeses.  Mmmm.  Grilled cheese!

So I guess the outcome to this mystery (which I’m guessing all of you figured out by the second paragraph, because I don’t write good mysteries either) is: my ability to enjoy these mystery based shows without liking mysteries is that I just don’t care that much about plot.  I’m all about character.  And these shows do character well.  I assume they have plots, but clearly I haven’t been paying attention to them.