By my reckoning there have been at least three different television series surrounding vampires working as Detectives (Forever Knight, Angel, Moonlight). I’m left to wonder whether this is a sign of a severe lack of creativity on the part of television writers, or if the job market really is that bad for the undead. I mean, I know the economy is bad. People with Master’s degrees are working in unpaid internships. And when you’re a couple centuries old getting references for your resume can be tricky. College transcripts written by hand on parchment with a quill pen can raise a few eyebrows.
But I don’t know. I’m not completely dissuaded from the “lack of creativity” issue. I can think of several occupations for which vampires would be perfectly suited. A few examples:
Telemarketer. Okay, they can’t all work at night, but they do work indoors. And in most traditions vampires are said to have hypnotic voices. I bet they can sell mail order snow to an Eskimo. And since telemarketing firms tend to have high turn over rates, I’m willing to bet they don’t check references too carefully.
Tech support. Why call Bangladesh when you can call the undead? The damned are handy because they can work the night shifts on 24 hour support lines. And yes, because of their age they might have trouble with technology, but let’s be honest, so do the guys you normally get when you call tech support.
Museum night watchman. Yes, I know, that’s a whole other movie. But I always thought it would be a cool job. You can look at the exhibits when there are no annoying tourists around. And you know, being old, it might be comforting to be around old things.
Paper boy. I hear these days they actually make good money. And they work in the middle of the night. Perfect for the guy/gal who’s allergic to sunlight.
Bartender. Again with the night time thing. And the soothing voice and charisma that seem to always be attached to vamps in novels would come in handy. Not to mention the quick reflexes and all that which would come in handy on busy nights.
Direct sales cosmetic consultant. I know you’re thinking this sounds crazy. Who can picture a vampire ringing the doorbell and saying, “Avon calling!”? Not me. But this is the occupation I would go with if I suddenly woke up a vampire. Most consultants nowadays make most of their money at night time beauty or spa parties. And most accounts (Joss Whedon aside) seem to agree that vampires have beautiful skin. Pale yes, but flawless. “Alabaster” seems to be used ad nauseum. If you had skin that perfect, everyone would want to use what you were using.
So if you ever find yourself in the position of creating a new vampire series for television, remember that you do have a choice in occupations. The job market is bad, but it’s not that bad.
What about you not-so-gentle readers? Where would you work if you were a vampire?
