I toddled just over the state line this evening for an evening of Shitty Beer and Shitty Movies with a friend from work, his girlfriend and a few others. In discussing what beer constituted “shitty” for the purposes of this evening, I was informed that I was not allowed to bring Natty Ice. Apparently the order of the evening was “Shitty, but not THAT shitty.”
So, Pabst Blue Ribbon became the order of the evening.
I should have gone for the Natty Ice. Pabst is too good a beer to be paired with a move as shit-tastic as the one we wound up with.
“Crank 2″
Now, I’ve never seen (nor heard) of the original Crank. This should have been my first clue. But if your only fear in your moving going life is that you won’t understand a sequel without having first seen the original, rest assured that you basically get all of the plot points of Crank while watching this one.
Theoretically Crank 2 is plotted thus: dude gets his heart ripped out by a Chinese gang to be sold on the black market. Dude is implanted with weird mechanical heart which he keeps having to charge up, either by jumper cables, fingers in light sockets or having random sex with a stripper on a horse-track, all while chasing one of the Chinese Gang members, being chased by Mexican gang members and fielding calls to Dwight Yoakum (shit. you. not.). The camera work was almost as sickening as the over-abundance of violence. And the abundance of sex (this was bordering on porn). And logic? Not at all present in this endeavor. If you make it to the end of the orgy of sex and violence the grand finale involves a shoot out between: The Mexican Gang, the Chinese Gang, a gang of Gay S&M guys, and a gang of Hookers & Strippers. The dialog blew goats. In theory it was supposed to part comedy, but, the only part that was funny was how bad the whole thing was–it really shouldn’t take $12 million dollars to achieve “bad.” You can do that on less, I assure you
Allow me to tell you that it was even shitter than it sounded. At first I was mostly shocked that someone actually raised money to produce this thing. But as the parade of fail continued past my not-at-all-drunk-enough eyes, I was more shocked. The damned thing was packed with faces I knew! There was fucking Q from Next Generation. And Tuptim from Anna and the King. And Pedro from Napolean Dynamite. And a Spice Girl. And Lauren Holly. And Corey Haim. Honestly, these are (or were) all legit actors who’d had parts in successful gigs….had they ALL run out of other options to pay the bills?!?
Do yourselves a favor: avoid this like the plague unless you are hosting your own shitty beer, shitty movie night. But make sure the beer is Natty Ice, and drink a lot of it before you start,
