Headline Heckling

These days, any news I get, I get from pulling up the Google News page and skimming the headlines.   I hate a news day when the same crap stays in the top stories and I’m left knowing something more critical has to be going on in the world, but Google didn’t bring it forward and I can’t spare time to dig deeper.

I’m left to mock what’s there:

“Obama announces proposal to reform NSA surveillance” 

Every time I see a headline about someone in politics “reforming” anything, I recall the Molly Ivins piece about the drill team from Kilgore, Texas hanging their asses over the gallery railing, each with a letter on her bloomers to spell out REFORM.  It sets a certain standard for that particular word that prevents me from taking it seriously.

“Oprah faced not just fashion retail racism, but size bias too”

I can’t believe that the adventures of Oprah and the Snotty Swiss Handbag Store remained on Google News all day (plus I had to hear it in German when I put on SWR to drown out the sound of the air conditioner cutting on–thing sounds like a shuttle lift off, I swear).  Racism sucks.  Bias sucks.  But at the end of the damned day, let’s be real here, I once had the door to the Tiffany’s in North Park Mall shut because I was hanging around outside cooing over the turtles in the fountain (how do I know it was me?  Because no one else was in the area, it wasn’t closing time and the guard gave me a dirty look as he shut the door), I’m betting this Swiss joint wouldn’t have let my ass within 20 feet of the door, white, black or dyed Smurf blue.  Also, $40k for a fucking purse?

“Amanda Bynes’ hospital stay extended, conservatorship granted”

I thought we were done hearing about this after last week.  Guess I was wrong.  I remember some of the kids I baby-sat in high school watching Amanda Bynes’s show (the stand alone and when she was on All That).  I thought she was bat-shit crazy then–all she did was yell, flail and act like a raving lunatic.  I’m going to assume that was a clue right there.  If her folks missed it then, I can only hope they have better luck this go-round.

“U.S. to reopen 18 of the 19 embassies, consulates closed because of terror threats” 

Okay, so this one changed since my check of the news earlier today at work.  I have a theory about this.  It involves the embassy closures, lavabit, Snowden, Jimmy Hoffa, the Lindbergh Baby, AMC’s cancellation of Remember WENN and a jello salad…but these things are best not discussed on the web (everyone, wave and smile to your not-yet-reformed NSA Analyst)

“Spain, U.K. Spar Over Colonial Post”

Oh, please.  They are sparring over a rock.  A large one, but still, a rock.  And can you even call that sparring?  Not really.  Sparring should be more interesting at the very least.  I say we have each of them send a rep to Switzerland.  The reps will be seated across from one another at a cafe table, with hot chocolate in hand.  They will trade insults until the first person finishes his or her chocolate.  Belgium will be the referee regarding the best quantity and quality of insults.  The loser then has to enter the discriminatory handbag shop to be berated by a Swiss shop-owner.  Gibraltar will declare complete independence.

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